April 27, 2014
payoff from slaving my ass off in this dumbass leadership class
"you are SO thorough and have a really great vocabulary.. so we are lucky that you've taken on a leadership role."
^Funny thing about the above screenshot is that I never wrote the word "everything" in any of the previous emails of this chain, which leads me to believe that this girl literally just wrote "everything" under "Rebecca Chen wrote:" AND THAT MAKES ME LAUGH HAHAHAH but this girl is really sweet and also a really hard worker and I can tell that she gets frustrated with me at the rest of the group that doesn't do shit.
April 26, 2014
ha. ha. ha.
apologies for getting snippy with anyone between now and graduation. i just have too much work to do and any vent i'm given is only gonna serve as a channel for my impatience and angst.
there's something about me really turns people off. it's probably the way i talk. sometimes all i want to say is "there's nothing wrong with that because the whole lot of them piss me off more."
who'd want to be friends with a person like that??
is this why i make friends so easily online?
actually, no. if i'm not really friends with someone, then i wouldn't talk to them in person or online. exclusive online-ness doesn't mean anything. the online-ness is just facilitated by me and another person's compatibility. if i'm not compatible with someone in person, then talking online isn't gonna help. but i'm never gonna know if the people i first talk to online would've really been friends with me if they'd met me in person. i've definitely speculated about this thought before with online friends: "if we'd met in person, do you think we would've even become friends?"
but that whole train of thought is completely useless anyway because what's to gain? nothing, aside from maybe a constant existential paranoia that accompanies a thoroughly cynical self-examination of my meager worth. what's to lose? a friendship wrought to ruin by my constant paranoia and my inability to believe that i'm a decent friendable person. this is why, several times a week, i'm so thankful for friends. they're the people whose arms i'm gonna run into first the moment i free myself from the confines of people i don't want to be around a second more than i have to. they give me a place to go. and at the moment, all i'm feeling is a need to get out.
there's something about me really turns people off. it's probably the way i talk. sometimes all i want to say is "there's nothing wrong with that because the whole lot of them piss me off more."
who'd want to be friends with a person like that??
is this why i make friends so easily online?
actually, no. if i'm not really friends with someone, then i wouldn't talk to them in person or online. exclusive online-ness doesn't mean anything. the online-ness is just facilitated by me and another person's compatibility. if i'm not compatible with someone in person, then talking online isn't gonna help. but i'm never gonna know if the people i first talk to online would've really been friends with me if they'd met me in person. i've definitely speculated about this thought before with online friends: "if we'd met in person, do you think we would've even become friends?"
but that whole train of thought is completely useless anyway because what's to gain? nothing, aside from maybe a constant existential paranoia that accompanies a thoroughly cynical self-examination of my meager worth. what's to lose? a friendship wrought to ruin by my constant paranoia and my inability to believe that i'm a decent friendable person. this is why, several times a week, i'm so thankful for friends. they're the people whose arms i'm gonna run into first the moment i free myself from the confines of people i don't want to be around a second more than i have to. they give me a place to go. and at the moment, all i'm feeling is a need to get out.
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