Don't yell.

It's hard to talk about the influences of my family to people who can put a face on the individuals that make up my blood-relations. Even though I've gotten a little better at identifying the M&M pieces in the bag of grainy, difficult-to-swallow granola that are my life lessons, I can't help but feel like tossing it all away when I see others enjoy ice cream instead. They have it so nice.

But things could definitely be worse; I could be forcefed gruel and cilantro salads. And there's no way anyone gets anywhere without griping at least once so I need to dispel the illusion I have about others' lives being better and sweeter sooner than later.

A friend shared an article on facebook about "the important thing about yelling" and reading it made me want to cry. Anger is admittedly an issue I have to confront more and more often within myself because I might have been 1. predisposed with the genetic inclination to opt for more hostile ways of reacting and 2. exposed to countless examples of how raging out of control was the only appropriate way to react to situations of stress.

^Neither of these things are any excuse for a change I want to happen within myself.

He flipped out at me recently. Everything he said was warranted. I don't have the freedom I think I do to keep messing up.

But:

I said things like, “It’s just chocolate syrup. You can wipe it up, and the counter will be as good as new.”(Instead of expelling an exasperated sigh and an eye roll for good measure.)

I offered to hold the broom while she swept up a sea of Cheerios that covered the floor.
(Instead of standing over her with a look of disapproval and utter annoyance.)

I helped her think through where she might have set down her glasses.

(Instead of shaming her for being so irresponsible.)

I would like to be a parent who can do all of the above but I am a poor witness of any transformative grace to my friends and much less so to my family. I want to believe that I fall back into old patterns and tendencies and habits because the situations around me called for it and these are just my natural defense mechanisms... but that's just a cop-out for alluding to the fact that I have much less self-control than I'd like and in the end, I'm always too concerned about my own welfare. Sin triumphs again?

I don't think I should've been taught about the id, ego and superego in high school because admitting that my id is at the forefront of my personality is so lame and no one likes Freud. The concept is pretty basic though: make your greedy and selfish (and hopefully unwanted) behaviors a person you can dissociate from your real self aka the person you actually want to be. Suddenly there's no more shame because the person who stonewalls and rolls their eyes and lies isn't the real me. I'm still a work in progress so you'll have to excuse that Rebecca that comes out every so often - she's planning on growing up real soon.

I have to tell myself that I'm not better than anyone else. I don't have it more figured out than anyone else. I'm liable to make many grave errors and enough ingratiatingly small ones to make anyone abandon me for the betterment of their sanity. The latter is scarier because those mistakes are the ones I don't catch myself making and I'm not really that bad of a person - just too insignificantly ordinary and petty to deal with for the long run.

Do you care or are you bored?

LOL

what do i do with all this embarrassment

lollllllllllllllllllllllllll

@//////////////@

what does it mean to live competitively?

it means to have a lower tolerance for one's failures

THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED
AND I AM ALWAYS HUNGRY FOR SOME REASON

I'm going to make my blog private soon. I guess I don't trust anyone to read these sorta thoughts anymore. I also feel myself compromising what I write just because I'm aware that someone else will read them so I think that needs to change.

Unfortunately, personal posts aren't unique or insightful because of individual revelation but maybe because they're just inherently novel to another person's eyes. You can only gain access into my head after your eyes have settled on each of these words in this order followed by this punctuation mark. Isn't that odd? But I can't forget about that time I stumbled across a personal blog and

I want to write about how I felt about this driving practice without dishonoring my dad. It never occurred to me before that it would be my last. I'm an okay driver. I should pass.
Hypocrite.

I wonder if I'm a loner by choice. I only talk when I know I need to talk about something. So does that mean I'm left by myself if I can't just say hi for the sake of saying hi without anticipating what or how the conversation will reveal itself? Do I always need a plan? Do I always need a reason?

Imagine getting dressed and not really caring and going out without ever looking at a mirror before you leave. People who write are the type who'll catch their reflection, criticize it, and demand that it be changed until they approve of it and sometimes that takes a long time.

4th cloudy day

It feels like my eyes are permanently dilated.

Do you remember a time when 5:00pm didn't automatically make you think about rush hour?

--

yesterday kinda felt like the first time I talked to a Christian since school ended. that's not the truest statement I could make because my family's Christian and I've been going to church and stuff.

but it's been a while since I got to listen to a prayer request without being expected to be coming from a place of righteousness or knowledge because we both knew (it's more like I was reminded) that the ultimate assurance and comfort comes from somewhere else. and it's been a while since I've heard "man, it's tough but I'm gonna keep fighting against sin (like my life depended on it)" and hear hope cry out of something like that. it's also been a really long time since I haven't heard someone try to prove something about God's character to me in some "you agree with this statement 100% right?" way and heard someone just praise the Lord for the way He's at work all the time and in every place.

friend - thanks for sharing with me, but mostly, thanks for believing in the power of prayer. it was the very gentle lead I needed to bring me to a place where I reminded myself, rightfully so, how impoverished and empty my soul has been feeling this whole time. I missed this a lot and I came to learn the hard and painful way that there's no substitute for a joyful heart other than what the Lord has in store for me.

--

thrice is a really good group.

it didn't occur to me til now that there should be little that's as satisfying as eating good food surrounded by good company. I've never thought of that before.

Why do I like things that are bad for me?

Food, habits, people.

None of this makes me any more unique either.

On another note, why are bad things happening to people I care about?

神さま どこにいるの?

I am a pestilent child.

But I have a bagel with strawberry cream cheese and soymilk and no cares to give about it.

Slept for 12 hours = woohooooo!

It's a good thing by now that I don't expect to get any texts over the summer. There was one summer that I did expect texts from someone, namely because I was dating him at the time, but learning to expect nothing from anyone in the end was a hard lesson to learn.

Besides, the age of SMS is in the decline while mobile communicative services take greater advantage of a data plan. Kakao is so greattttt and fb messaging isn't a pain in the butt anymore 'cause the interface is nicer now. Still, remembering to do something like text Bev "have fun in classss" is an uplift I can afford to give.

It's really hecka annoying when my inbox says I have one unread email but I literally cannot find it anywhere (also, there's 5000 something things in it and I don't wanna archive it all yet.) BUT I learned a really nifty trick where I search "is:unread in:inbox" and it located it for me @__@ search terms awyeah

I keep hearing the phrase "second wind." Once through text. Once on tumblr (in a post titled "second wind").  Once on a TV show. Twice in person. Is this a sign?? It's such an unusual phrase - I know what it means only because I've been naturalized as an English-speaking American but it's nothing I'd ever use. What does this mean...

Speaking of repetitions, EVERYONE'S IN FREAKING CALIFORNIA. Norcal/Socal I DON'T CARE TAKE ME THERE TOO AFJIAOEAJFIFAJIOAJIOAFJIOAFJIO. In homage to that, the weather is starting to get hot and humid. My favorite.

Saito Sensei gave me a B+ on the 8 page paper I threw together in 2 and a half hours post-failing-my-second-road-test. Last semester, for Communication in Relationships, I threw a 12 page paper together in 4 hours and also got a B+. Heheheheh. The trick is to at least do all the research before that 'cause that's usually the longest part. He says he looks forward to seeing me in the fall! :3

I'm eating oatmeal with yusong, sweet yams, and a boiled egg, with soymilk. I hope I can keep eating this well when I move out one day.

I remember why I say "okay" so much.

so here's to better things?

5 A's THIS SEMESTER BABY

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

some small thoughts

after the boston bombings, I heard a lot of people talk about sending thoughts and prayers to that city.

on a more commonplace level, I also hear a handful of non-christians talk about feeling grateful and blessed.

so I feel like a lot of things (like personal statements, authenticity of language, religious opinions) are getting excused just because something greater and more abstract and intangible is being evoked and no one can directly refute it, which makes it something safe for anyone and everyone to just say.

you finished school. you're blessed. you didn't fail anything. you're blessed. your friends throw you a surprise birthday party. you're blessed. someone you like likes you back so you're blessed. a bird poops on the car next to yours and not yours - surely the holy spirit is raining down on you.

idk anything really, but when am I going to be sincere with everything I've got?

[these are not sad thoughts. if anything, this is the precursor of something level headed and calm that I'll finish writing later while completely level headed and calm.]

i may have gotten all A's this semester.

what the hell is wrong with everyone

One was like Monday
Two is like every other full moon.
I guess that's improvement.

now I'm back to hating everything.

I will burn kilmer to the ground.

let's play "how long can you mope?"

because I bet I'll win.
will I get a trophy?
how about this pedestal to place my lack of worth and self esteem on?

I always used to think that the phrase "good for nothing" was such a weak old-fashioned retort used by old geezers from a prehistoric era. But getting called "a good-for-nothing" actually hurts.

so whatever let the good times roll

these are just rambles don’t judge me for thinking - i’m actually not doing a lot of that here. just processing externally again.

i need to stop this

haha okay i guess it’s undeniably yet sickenly true that the heart is pretty predictable and soaking in that acknowledgement about myself is such a huge source of shame. what a misfortune. i am so disgusting. smh. harakiri - let’s go. 

//just kidding.//changing topics (but i really shouldn’t have done that/let myself do that - is there really a difference?)//

there’s a tiredness i can’t get rid of by blinking (aka repetitively stuttering/flashing an alternate reality before my eyes) because my butt is falling asleep and painfully reminding me that i am seated in this world and that i belong to this world and that my growing pains are rooted in this world and the shriveling cloud of smoke that’s supposed to be my soul can’t reach heaven from here [so pray pray pray]. my retainers are in and i’ve reduced my vocalics to nothing more than gutterances but like, whatever, because no one’s around. i was pretty happy before and even though i can’t say that now, i’m not gonna label this as a mood swing. 

there are days you know will come up that will be unlike any other you’ve ever had before.

it’s like knowing a present’s about to show up on your doorstep because you’ve had email notifications everyday for the past week fill up your inbox, accompanied with flash animation and noises, if you allow all images from this sender to be shown. actually, that’s also how periods show up too. but a day extrapolated from the mundanaeity of barely-hanging-on and a creed to just-get-through-it amounts to a whole bunch of regret for me on the day that i die, which shouldn’t be a noticeable transition from the lackluster hours of feelings alacking i remember finding myself submerged in. 

but i feel like i’m currently caught up in a moment. if cliffs could breathe, i’d be stuck in the inhale (it looks like the cave aang and zuko camped out in during the snow storm, except it’s not winter). maturity isn’t going to wait any longer and i better bear this burden now or forever be scorned by my parents and the adults at my church and my sisters (yet i somehow can’t add ‘friends’ to this list because the real ones are somehow more accepting of me than any one else??). that cliff is about to retch me out into the sea and i have 3 seconds of accelerated plummeting through the salty air to learn how to swim. i can no longer deny that i am no longer a child even though my thoughts are filled with “did i do this right? did i hurt someone’s feelings? am i liked? am i loved? am i comfortable? does this hurt? am i happy?” - all of which are thoughts five year olds know the answers to. 

10 page paper due tomorrow. driving test tomorrow (maybe gaining more freedom tomorrow?). final exam for a class i need to get an A in is tomorrow. semester coming to an end tomorrow. watching my dog get bigger and learn to love me more tomorrow. slowly repairing and healing my relationship with my sister tomorrow. meeting up with a friend who isn’t christian tomorrow because she invited me and thought about me and asked if i was at school when i wasn’t and told me it’d be nice to hang out tomorrow. hopefully i’ll be falling asleep in a less lonely fashion even though i’m really-pleasantly-and-surprisingly-okay-right-now-but-that’s-because-i’m-procrastinating tomorrow. with the summer approaching, i’ll be realizing that i’m ever closer to the legal drinking age and what that means in terms of who i’ll (choose to) be hanging out with more tomorrow. coming to terms with my senses and all that extends into the sixth dimension and beyond tomorrow. achieving a higher level of self awareness and self actualization in the limited-broadcasted rematch between my head and heart tomorrow.  frigging epistrophes for the win, and all these things are significant in the transformation of my being as the disappointing and failed child of the star-maker trying to find new and everlasting meaning to the truth i’ve been given and accepted. 

and do you know what’s funny? i know (and i probably shouldn’t lest i fall into the fallibility known as the self fulfilling prophecy) one of my friends has been praying for me to mature. i haven’t been keeping a record of how greatly my spirit has been bloated and starved but i am a spoiled brat and i should probably pray that prayer to make my life more difficult for the sake of shedding some guilt of knowing that my life is a hell of a lot easier than others and i don’t deserve it but i don’t wanna do that yet.

so during those 3 seconds of falling, where and what am i supposed to learn? who will teach me? the seagulls? 

I don't normally react to films like this but I can't be more specific.

AHHHHHHHHHHH
ohmygosh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
she's just like me
andhe'ssortajustlikeyou
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
except notbutnotreally'causeithinkyou'rebothevenfromthesameplace
haha
but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahahahahahaha wow like wow
calm down rebecca calm down
whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
hahahaha ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this might not be good

but this script was so cute that i transcribed it (with edits i'd make to it because i'm a dork for phonetic rhythms) and i keep replaying it !!!

"is it drunk call time?"
"yep."
"oh my gosh, how much did you drink? i can smell the alcohol from here!"
"mmm you stupid, that's impossible."
"so how was it?"
"eh it's over. most people left."
"did you have fun?"
"i wish you were here."
"i do too."
"and you better get an A, no, an A plus for not coming tonight."
laughs. "that's not how the GMAT works, but yes i'll get that A plus."
"everybody's girlfriend is here tonight, except mine. you left me allll alone."
"aww, i'm sorry."
"don't ever leave me."
"we've been together for 6 years. i think you've got me."
"hmm do i?"
"don't you?"
"hm? mmm. well i'm drunk. huh. actually, barry didn't bring his girlfriend tonight either."
"oh really? where was she?"
"he brought his fiance instead. remember, he proposed last week."
"that's riiight. it's gonna be so weird getting used to calling her that."
"actually it made me think. i don't wanna bring my girlfriend to parties anymore either."
"oh, is that right?"
"i wanna bring a fiance instead."
-
"well just say it."
"don't you even dare, bryan."
"we've already talked about it!"
"yeah, but when you're sober!"
"hey, there is no more honest time than when drunk. this is how i feel. i don't need to hold back."
"don't."
"it's time."
"nu-uh."
"courtney, baby, you are the love of my life."
"i'm not listeninggg."
"i wanna spend the rest of my life with you."
"oh my God. you're really doing this(?)."
"will you marry me?"
"......no."
"what"
"you can try again later!"
"when?!"
"sober."
"you rejected me?! you rejected my marriage proposal??!"
"is anyone else there hearing this?"
"nope. and you're lucky no one else was here to see you be so heartless." sighs."i love you soo much."
"i love you too." pause. "soo, i'm gonna go. i actually have a lot left, but get back here safely please."
"wahhhhhhhhhhh you broke my hearttttttttttttt." [lol my favorite line lol]
"heh."

 And in that moment, you realized this is exactly what you've been searching for all along, yet never knew it could exist until that moment. It was happy. The years of uncertainty and nights of loneliness. The reckless decisions, the irrational moments of fleeting triumph. It all made sense now, and from the vantage point of retrospect, all seemed necessary so that you could be exactly where it was. Happy. And we'll all get there.

Been meaning to make a post about this for a while:

There are things you can do, real practical and emotionally regulating things, to help your spirit.

The weather can't make up its mind.

So I feel like something out there, (God?), is saying that it's okay I can't either.

I need to sleep and just be done with finals.

That feeling when you read words over and over again and they begin to mean nothing, no matter if they were a sincere effort to encourage or God-breathed.

So what's gonna work?

haha I'm depressed. haha.

I feel like I'm going to die in a car crash.

Why can I confess so much here? Do I want to be heard? Do I want to be found? Do I want to be saved?

--

rereading what I wrote about the rain is helping me calm down

high sigh

I am petty.
I am shallow.
I am just a/the (sur[ly])face
I lack depth.
I am a breath.
Can I be the main course?
I am just a side piece.
I am vaporous.
I am invisible.
I am meaningless.
I am substitutable.
I am thin.
I am transparent.
I am not here.
I am not anymore.
I am quiet.
I am empty.
I am careless and carefree.
I am a fool.
I am without.
I am forgotten and I have forgot.

Something sweet and something nice.

I had an exam at 8am this morning.

I prepared to sleep around 1am but I actually fell asleep around 3:30 (after passing the time with phone games).

My phone ran out of battery by the time I abruptly woke up. A bird cries outside. None of my eight alarms went off because my phone was dead! I freak the heck out because only God knows what time it was.

I stumble over to the microwave and read 7:37.

Praaaaaise the Good Lord for getting me up out of bed and to get ready in time to head to my exam room with time to spare for studying!!

I'm pretty sure I did well super well 'cause I met my 43/50 minimum to get dat A :D

2 Corinthians 4:7 NLT We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

--

I am blessed by this rain. It's the kind where the drops are plump and the air smells of tea leaves and the air is soft and warm like a sigh of relaxation but there's no breeze tickling my ears. I have time to stand still and take pictures of precipitation captured by puddles, released by the trees. It's like Taiwan. It's like picking me up from the middle of my stress and transporting me into the middle of heaven, where stressing out and feeling down about things I can and can't control is illegal. It's like waking up in bed to hear that classes are canceled (which is a funny thing to think about during finals time). This is the opposite of drought.

--

I realize I wouldn't have known you had even one detail been changed and I can't get this thought out of my head.

i am going to learn that it doesn't matter what you do

and

i am happy i have school to distract me
(i guess that's a bad thing)

and then there's a moment of clarity

when i can see what i want
and feel what i'm missing
and how i can't have it all
because i don't need it all
since i only need the one
but i'll help myself to none

I am genuine.

I think I'm disappointing the wrong audience
this isn't supposed to hurt at all
but I feel like I'm less than before
all the rotten heartless cold people I read about are no better than me, apparently
there's no excuse
this is unhealthy but I've been indulgent

people are going to criticize me for having guy friends

girls don't like it but i don't get why making friends with them is so difficult

guys don't like it because they just assume i'm a manipulative conniving vixen 

do i deserve to be lonely?

is this why monks have retreats on mountains and leave their families and past worlds behind?

is God really supposed to fill up a space this vast?

repenting is turning around and walking in the other direction

it's just turning around

it's not taking any more steps toward sin

it's hating sin so much that i can't bear to look at it in the face anymore

"if the conditions were right, i'd be capable of genocide and rape." 

everything's finally calm down

i'm ruminating within my fence.

there is no dignity left. 

what do i deserve?