This post isn't done yet.

I'm thinking about porn and how that's a struggle for guys. (It's also a struggle for girls but for the sake of this example, I have to stick with this convention).
And how guys lust in general
And how sometimes there's a war going on inside a guy's mind to tell them to
stop
don't get out of bed
to keep hands still
to read the bible instead
to say verses out loud
to scream
And how this is a serious enough sin to ask others for counsel and accountability and prayer and stuff.
It's a battle they sometimes win, and sometimes lose.

So for a guy who just can't biologically/physically/emotionally/mentally turn off what's been turned on when he sees someone he's attracted to for whatever reason - how is a woman supposed to deal with this? How is a woman supposed to recognize the depths of men's wayward eyes and the adultery they commit with their hearts, and then to get over it?

I suppose the answer is the same as it is with any other kind of sin we find. Girls just have to realize they're not perfect and we don't have any more freedom to lust with our eyes as our brothers in Christ do. So forgive them for what they absolutely cannot control and accept the love you overwhelmingly deserve.

[insert an addendum about the battle between making a decision between you and God in your heart and the physical manifestation of that decision through actions that will impact other people].

I feel like I should post more revelatory moments here

but I'm just feeling not great now and I don't want to go into detail.

I'm literally counting down seconds

and this is such an unusual predicament to find myself in again
because I'm at the precipice of falling down my own mountain of expectations I've singlehandedly constructed
and posed to just make the mountain bigger.

pdlmd

What is my stance on dating?

A close friend mentioned that I should probably clearly declare loud and proud about me being single because I seem to keep giving off mixed signals and convictions.

I just don't know, man. It occurred to me why marriage is so beautiful. It's because when the man (in traditional scenarios) gets down on one knee and holds up a ring to the girl - he doesn't just assure her of a life with him, but also of a life without worrying about separation. She no longer has to think about what life might be like after him. She doesn't ever have to consider questioning who she is or who she will be if such a huge part of her identity abandoned her.

I can't get into a relationship and go through another break up again. I am not strong enough to open up and care about another human being with every part of my soul in degrees that exceed my previous experiences even though certain special friendships have already punctured this organ of emotion and it bleeds everywhere without resistance. I want to love without any inhibition and to feel overwhelmed by this promise of a good life and a good future (in God's terms - not mine, of course) and declare to the world that I'm not lonely - I'm loved.

So, to put it simply: I feel lonely. I feel unnoticed. I feel forgotten. I feel second-class. I feel uncherished. I feel disrespected. I feel mistrusted. I feel taken for granted. I feel like an orphan and I need somebody to tell me I belong in their arms.

But people are going to let me down and I'm on my knees waiting for God to say "just look at Me!" I keep people I like, and especially the people I love, at a distance because I'm as unstable as an unpinned grenade and God's ready to shield the world from my wrath and my uncertainty and my destruction with His very body. My soul's tentacles are already clinging onto these blessings around me and its grip is tight and it will never let go but I want them severed. I want it starved. I want to be deprived. I want to find an ultimate and perfect satisfaction in Christ Jesus's love for me.

TL; DR - Yeah, haha, dating would be nice, but it's not necessarily so much that I'm waiting for God's "permission" or "green light" as it is that I need to find and refine these offensively ugly scars in my heart first (unless some d00d out there thinks he's up for the challenge bahahawhateverhahahnicetryokaybye)

"I dislike you very much." "I like you."

I have no one to talk to about these kinds of things ;__;
Time literally felt like it was catching its breath. I felt a tingle go through my arms and my legs and my chest as it eventually braked its speed and slowly constricted itself around my heart. Ha, there's no way he really likes me. Maybe just as a person. Maybe as a decent enough human being even though I've been trying to drill it into his head that we're all lowly unworthy people (probably unsuccessfully). Maybe as someone dateable if circumstances were different.

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know anything

Is this really my life right now? God, what's happening to me and my life ?

You know a lot about me but I question how much you understand me. Is this all that I am?

TL;DR - I got really girly.

I let my guard down.

[insert stupid Taylor Swift lyric]
But this isn't gonna hit me in the heart til later and I'm cringing already knowing that it's gonna hurt soooooooo much when it does.

Aside from just mere y-chromosome drama, I'm letting my guard down against "lies" people often tell me not to believe. From the devil. Things like I'm not talented enough or that I'll never amount to anything and that ____ is just never going to be an option for me because I'm the least qualified of all. Sure, God can use me and my minimal excuses for gifts to advance His Kingdom in mighty ways, but wow, on my own, I'm as worthless as dry drool.

to you: just stop because i don't know what's going on right now and it's scaring me
to you: okay great i get it but why is it like you're rubbing it in my face and making it so difficult for me to love you, nevermind love on you?
to you: you always get everything i wanttttt grarhghrahrhghgghghgh
to you: sorry, i'll try harder next time
to you: yep i don't deserve this

Molly is gone and my high school just made a Facebook group accepting videos of fights that happen on the grounds.

also, I just had a nightmare about being caught In a school shooting and dying on a bus that couldn't drive fast enough away from a maniac.

the guy I like(d) also told me he liked me prior to this, in my dream, so it became even sadder.

Jealousy

I need to stop wanting
because I can see you're all capable of doing it for someone else
but I just never get anything like it because no one ever thinks of doing that for me
whatever!
this is lame

I'm going to be extremely needy this break.

Lent won't be over yet so I can't pig out on anime as a means of de-stressing so tv shows and regular movies will be fine.

Scary movies during the day time are preferred because I've got too much ish going on in my real life raising my cordisol levels and it'll be a good change of pace to be emotionally and psychologically traumatized for an afternoon via the world's mass array of mildly stimulating entertainment.

I think I'd like to see the beach, weather permitting.

I want to run every day and bring that silly dog with me. She hates running and I'll probably have to pick her up and carry her back home for most of it. But I'm going to run so much that I'll be allowed to eat all the bread and sushi and rice noodles and donuts and ice cream and ramen and pancakes with syrup I want.

I want to have telephone calls and skype dates and actual meet ups where I can see the faces of people I want to see all the time but I can't because I hold myself back from allowing the word "clingy" to attach to me. So I'll do little reaching out because I justwant to be reached.

Tears are stupid and tears are gray.

Salt and water. Dirty and blurry.

Maybe I apologize too profusely. If I find out that there's even 1/100th of a possibility that I offended someone I cared about, I'd jump at the first chance to apologize and make things right. I don't care about pride in this case. I don't think twice about saying "sorry" because it's of no cost to me to say it. Simultaneously, I will put everything into that one word to make sure your stupid face knows that I didn't mean to hurt you and elaborate if need be. Because what wouldn't you put on the line to make sure your precious friendships don't take a dive for the worse?

But there are some people who just can't say the damn word. "I didn't mean it like that." "If I had only known..." "I thought it'd be okay." "Those weren't my intentions..." "I didn't know that you..." "That was my mistake" and "that won't happen again" all don't make up for not saying this single damn two-syllable word that should be the minimum foundation of any halfhearted apology.

It's such a waste of emotion and cognitive resources to be so damn sensitive to every damn joke that bruises me like an old avocado. I need to toughen up so people stop getting hurt by me getting hurt.

Anxiety

“Is there a point to breathing words onto paper when you suck them dry out of me?”

Knotting her fingers together, the knuckles hardly served to connect digits to her palm as much as they bruised each other like the unfortunate stones caught between disagreeing tectonic plates. The smell of unwashed scalp lingered beneath her fingernails, a unique residue of the very essence of her. The scent had as great a chance of changing its signature odor as the pouchy gut in her stomach from ever separating from her body. Fingers hovering as if above piano keys, they produced nothing. This air is cold and the atmosphere is still, shelving and locking the body into perpetual immobility. 

Deadlines rang doorbells in her head. Ding a ling ling ling - R_____ isn’t here right now - please leave a message after the floor opens up beneath you. Thank you and have a pleasant day.

You and I are non sequitors. I have latched myself onto you for too long and now I am prying the metal locks free from each other. With this weight removed, gravity has free reign over my feet and my fingertips will whisper goodbye to yours. When I close my eyes, it makes no difference if I fall or fly.

Exciting?

One of my friends got me started on watching one sermon online per day. I'm not used to this.
Yesterday was Mark Driscoll "Jesus is the best mediator" on Esther 4.
and now it's Judah Smith "It's complicated" on JOHN 14!! MY FAVORITE CHAPTER!!

I want to keep this up but it's not likely... yet it's sorta amazing what I have the time to do when I give up something like anime/manga for Lent @_@

My flesh may fail, but Your Spirit's strong in me.

Give me faith
to trust what You say
that You're good
and Your love is great

God's perfect love casts out all fear.
What a wondrous gift He's bestowed to me!

Days are good and life is good.
I get a satisfaction I can't describe from knowing my God is alive
(living on the inside- roaring like a lion!)

It was also great to realize that the Bible literally says "No one has seen God"
so it's of no trouble to me to realize that I struggle with everyone else who wants to see Him.
But if we were to literally see The LORD with our eyeballs, we'd definitely go blind. Or berserk.

Or fall on our knees in overwhelming adoration.
Something the speaker said tonight that I really liked was bringing 1 John 4 back to Adam in the garden.
He couldn't see God because he was afraid of Him.

Not the reverent kind of fear but the "dear God what have I done now" type.

I feel like that all the time. I wonder why I get caught up in the things that I do. I wonder how inadequate I appear when juxtaposed to the expectations I set for myself. I feel like I set myself up to be a laughing stock and that God will be the most disappointed-

-but these feelings are to be rebuked because I am going to follow Christ's example and step out to love them where they are. To love them in their space.
My God MOVED. He descended into hell and then ascended into Heaven to see my heart move yours! There's such a wonderful logic in witnessing a love in this imperfect world as the most beautiful of testimonies to God's hands and feet caressing His creation.

I really can't stop marveling at the love of God. Renew in me, and all my cherished family in Christ, the joy of thy salvation.

Salvation = promised eternity with God, which means I should be able to stand before God in delight and not out of fear = my heart can fully embrace His perfect love without fear = I have become someone whose heart has no room for doubt or grudge or pain = what I desire with everything to have.

Spending an eternity with Jesus (and having the heart to withstand absorb all the holiness emanating from Him @_@) is just - wow. I've been reduced to a wordless bumbling fool in love with Christ, my Savior.

"Do you know your God?"

she cried: do you know your God? how can your heart break for what breaks His when you don't even know who He is? You call yourself His child? why are you so incapable of loving him and her and them as if you had never even heard of a man and a God dying on a cross for you out of sheer love?

Lord, forgive me for I know exactly what I do.

I feel like the biggest dorkiest Bible-thumping nerd for saying this
but in moments like these,
I just need to read the Bible.
like, a lot of it.
and not stop.
because I don't know anything anymore.
but I'm ready to throw away what I've learned from this world,
and learned about myself,
to know only Jesus's death and resurrection
for an insignificant imperfect disobedient mistake like me
because that's what He did.

He died
and came back to life.
a god died and came back to life.
but not just a god,
but the LORD died
and came back to life
not just to show off and prove that He can
but to tell me He loves me

and what do I do?
I handle His love and His gift like some trinket I keep in my pocket (and check to make sure it's still there to prove to others that I still have it)
when His love and His gift are the only things capable of bringing life to these dry bones and I want my body to dance and speak and breathe for Him.

I'm so unworthy that I can't even say "thank You." The least I can do is to praise Him in the storm. Lord, I lift up Your name in my life and all I have is Yours. You have found me in the dark. You sought me like a good shepherd. You deliver, always. Your ways are not my ways because they are higher than mine. You are my victory and You are here. Alleuia!

Not this kind of thin!

I'm being spread thin. but I did lose 3 pounds since last week @_@

I've sent out a bunch of texts, emails, and messages but haven't gotten replies yet and I still need to write more.

I'll probably get some responses tomorrow but it's such an odd feeling - sending bits of myself virtually out into the void and feeling a very real and very physical vacancy in my heart remain.

But this topic of chastity and understanding myself as a soul free in Christ and simultaneously bound to be obedient to him is intriguing and new. I don't just mean abstaining from romantic pursuits but abstaining from depending on any validation or acknowledgment from my friends. Never before have I been so happy in my singleness, so lonely in my solitude, and so fearful of my future and filling up my heart with anything but Jesus's peace and presence. I don't need a boy to point me to Jesus or to help me learn more about His character - the journey there is the fun! But I feel my flesh is longing and it needs to be rebuked because that sort of indulgence is no longer for me in this season of life. An arm wrapped around my waist while I sleep facing the wall isn't supposed to feel that good. I want to continue being stitched back together by God the surgeon. My heart wants to abide in only His heart. I need to find the satisfaction only Jesus can give when He asks me to remember that He's already read all my words and all my thoughts and that He'll respond in His time because He put Himself on the cross to save me from a live of not knowing Him.

This body has so many things wrong with it and now I know what A means when he talks about about fighting between the Spirit and these sinful desires. That's not abstract at all for those who consciously need to repent everyday. It sucks caring about my earthly life this much.

I probably just need to cut my hair.

Today was weird because I know today was a good day even though my heart feels like today sucked.

I can even cognitively recall some of the times ('cause I obviously can't recall all the times) I've really screwed up and let my inadequacies/fleshly-sinful nature get in the way of showing God's love. Of feeling God's love being prioritized in my life. So yes - even my head acknowledges that today sucked.

To be honest, things like wondering if my harmonizing was creative enough and thinking about the children's lack of response during my "sermon" and the stupid technical difficulties I had and that-12/8-song-that-wasn't-supposed-to-be-difficult-but-no-one-ended-up-understanding-because-of-stupid-technical-difficulties and the way I wasn't nice to people because I was so preoccupied with vying after a perfection I thought would've been easier to attain should all make this a horrible day because I failed absolutely miserably, even if people could recognize that I tried my "best." Ugh, was that really my best?

And this is probably just residual emotion from getting mad at myself yesterday after getting so darn worked up about seeing a stupid face with other faces accompanying it.

But the beautiful thing about this is that today was a good day because God doesn't care about any of this crap at all. He doesn't let one petty preoccupation stop the Holy Spirit from continuing to bless me and refine me with His fire. As I later explained to someone else, I felt forced-peace and it was awesome. Imagine this: me and God sitting at a table with cards laid out and facing upwards. Each card has a little drawing/reminder of my sin from today (and maybe from the past, too) and I'd be pointing to one and saying "well, I suck because if you look right here-" and before I can finish my sentence, He takes that card and lights it on fire and says "look where?" I'll pull out another copy of that card from my pocket and start saying "now if you'll just let me finish-" and suddenly my fingers are empty - the card is gone! The devil's my card-supplier and my pocket o'cards will never be empty, but trying to use it as any sort of rationale against God isn't gonna be successful. Ever.

So frankly speaking, today sucked! But He just really wants to make it a good day! Not being an orphan/slave caught up with the reasons and reckonings of the world and what "peace" should be is really just simply grand.

Peacemaker

there is no one else for me

none but Jesus

be lifted high

hallelujah
hallelujah
hallelujah
Holy are You

I know all of this yet I feel alone. Still, I'll cling to the truth that You make all things work together for my good and it's remarkable these challenges are uniquely mine to overcome. When I talk to others, I feel like they might know what I mean, but they don't do what I do (because they can't). They don't see what I see. They don't struggle with my struggles. They're not friends with my friends. I'm the only one who knows the people I know and can do something no one else can..

...and I might get persecuted for that. 

I don't know if I can trust the body with her or her with the body. Yet I'm here, and by the grace of God, she can welcome someone like me into her home. But the things she lures me into thinking and saying aren't that good and I don't want to reaffirm the wrong. I actually might be and that really sucks for me to realize.

I'm going to mess up, yet I will fight this fight for His glory because all of the earth with be reclaimed for Him alone. 

I can't have peace without knowing that I will be persecuted for His righteousness. The peace Jesus gives me is not what the world gives and I stand against sin.

God, give me the strength to see these miracles come true and Your kingdom come.