December 7, 2014
December 4, 2014
Proverbs 5:23
He will die because there is no discipline, and be lost because of his great stupidity.
hahah fml
November 27, 2014
learning
No matter how neglected I felt or how shallow, hypocritical, lazy, theatrical, two-faced, insincere, uncomfortable-with-discomfort I thought you all were -- the love you held and still have for one another must have been the real thing. I can tell you guys love(d) each other, and for that, I want to learn from you. (Also I've been all those adjectives at the same time on numerous occasions.)
Bitterness still darkens my perception of whatever you gave to each other because I never felt like a recipient of it. Maybe some of you can relate and maybe some of you can only understand this theoretically, but I no longer felt welcome. My home suddenly felt like it was filled with strangers. I felt shunned. I felt abandoned. The connections I had were meaningless so I sought new ones. I reached out but I'd never find follow-up. Was I supposed to do that by myself and for myself? When I was in pieces? Losing weight? Losing friends? Failing school? I burned bridges, cut ties, blocked and defriended before anyone could hurt me because my paradigm of "Christian fellowship" was shattering and the shards that fell were sharp. I've nurtured hatred and self-righteousness for a long time and told myself that I needed to protect what was left of me from that which was toxic and deceptive.
I thought you were all scum producing more scum, feeding on scum, dressing yourselves with scum, and fanning each other's sins and while the community you pledged to serve fell out of sight because you were crying too damn loudly to hear other people cry too.
Dramatic, I know.
Today, there are people I need to love here in Japan and I want to love the best that I can. I want to give them the best of myself, and I recognize that's Christ in me because if you look at my thoughts, how much "good" could a person like me possibly generate? And how long could that last? I want them to know a life-giving community that's safe, free from pressure, and always directed to God because I've been able to experience it.
So I asked myself, "where have I witnessed great love in my life or around me?"
And you all came to mind.
My pain blinded me from seeing the good that circulated between you, like blood cells receiving oxygen. My pride stopped me from acknowledging that if Jesus went to the cross for me, then He definitely did it for all of you too and that's why we should be family. I was hurt because I was jealous. I was jealous that I never got to have deep meaningful conversations past midnight, or make bad late-night split-second decisions with you, or learned to see the good in each of you because I was too busy reveling and taking pleasure at the sin and rumors that all too easily eclipsed a genuine, if not convoluted and selective kind, of love. This love was as much a work in progress as the givers and recipients of it but it all came from the source of second chances, too.
I'm a weak person standing face-to-face again with my ego in shame, but ready to step out of this shell. I don't know if I should apologize, to be honest. I don't particularly desire anyone to do it either. In any case, the slate is clean for me now. I will go in peace.
November 19, 2014
LONG TIME NO UPDATE FROM JAPAN TIL NOW -- here's the stuff my better judgement tells me not to post on my super public blog.
I wonder
why you believe what you do anymore. Any of you! All of you! I'm asking this to everyone! Especially those of you who are struggling. This is going to make me sound like a robot or a computer program or actually autistic but I honestly don't understand/remember/recall what struggling feels like anymore. It's an experience I've forgotten about. Its associated feelings are unfamiliar to me. Because, I'm dumb. I don't know anything and the world is rather simple to me... and I'd ask you to help complicate it for me but I don't deserve access to that kind of experience. I'm probably tired. Tired of indecisiveness. Of being stuck. If you don't believe, then you don't believe. If you're mad, then you're mad. If you're telling yourself something but not feeling it, then transcend it and ask yourself what you still trust about this reality that you can and cannot perceive.
"Those who have ears, let them hear!"
One time,
I heard my pastor say "don't deliberately go out of your way to pray for struggles! The Christian life isn't supposed to be full of prosecution if you're blessed to be in a situation where you've been abundantly graced with so many luxuries to honor God with. We're not supposed to be masochists!" And yeah, I agree with that, but, like............ I'm a dumb human being and I don't feel good sitting here in the sunlight all alone. That's enough to make me tiptoe back into the shadowy place where so many of you seem to be residing and can't find a way out.
Last takeaway from this update: I'm really stupid and I apologize to everyone for taking so long to realize it! I'm stupid, irresponsible, spontaneous, and unaccounted for. I hurt people without trying. I hurt them by forgetting to do something and they take it personally and find me undependable. I hurt when I offer advice and speak frankly because I don't wanna deal with your whiny attention hogging bullsht 'cause I don't find it cute, but I still feel loved despite that. Not loved for it, but despite it. Not from you, but from You. When you think about your flaws and mistakes and how pathetic your problems are in the grand scheme of the massive universe, tell yourself that you're loved despite it all anyway and feel your heart get rocked.
There are the acquaintances. And the nice people. And the friends. And the good friends. And the best friends. And the bosom buddies. And I've hurt them all. I should have no one around me.
Sometimes,
I go through my day without remembering any of you. Like, sometimes, there are days when your names and your voices and your faces don't cross my mind. I'd apologize for it but I don't know if I should, if that makes sense. Aren't I allowed to be like this? I don't do it on purpose!
When L and I first talked about how to overcome this distance in July, I remember how I kept saying "well, I don't NEED any of the physical stuff. Why can't a relationship be a commitment or a promise you make for the future? Why can't I just say, 'I'll be there for you,' and have that be enough?"
This is probably a byproduct of my inability to catch raging cases of homesickness. Just so you know, I was totally half-wrong about it.
Distance DOES change things. It does complicate. It challenges. But I feel like I often only struggle because someone else is. When left to my own devices, I'm running on 120%.
Can't you be proud of me? And my self-sufficiency? And my happiness?
It might be hard to feel that way if you feel rejected. A good talk with another ALT from this area helped illuminate a common (like "popular," not "universal") human need: to feel important.
I forget that people think I'm important. So let's say I don't care if people think I'm important or not. Thus, that's what I project onto others. A sense of not caring. I don't feel like anyone thinks I'm important so I don't remember to make other people important. I don't remember to make other people feel like they're important.
Still, I can STILL say Someone loves me.
How ridiculous!
You might
not relate to anything I'm saying in this post. Getting out of touch with people is something I'm unfortunately?strangely? getting a lot better at doing. But I don't want to be afraid to touch, if that makes sense. Vomiting is more important than being understood at this point. That is subject to change.
*Jaden and Willow Smith's interview makes 100% sense to me.
why you believe what you do anymore. Any of you! All of you! I'm asking this to everyone! Especially those of you who are struggling. This is going to make me sound like a robot or a computer program or actually autistic but I honestly don't understand/remember/recall what struggling feels like anymore. It's an experience I've forgotten about. Its associated feelings are unfamiliar to me. Because, I'm dumb. I don't know anything and the world is rather simple to me... and I'd ask you to help complicate it for me but I don't deserve access to that kind of experience. I'm probably tired. Tired of indecisiveness. Of being stuck. If you don't believe, then you don't believe. If you're mad, then you're mad. If you're telling yourself something but not feeling it, then transcend it and ask yourself what you still trust about this reality that you can and cannot perceive.
"Those who have ears, let them hear!"
One time,
I heard my pastor say "don't deliberately go out of your way to pray for struggles! The Christian life isn't supposed to be full of prosecution if you're blessed to be in a situation where you've been abundantly graced with so many luxuries to honor God with. We're not supposed to be masochists!" And yeah, I agree with that, but, like............ I'm a dumb human being and I don't feel good sitting here in the sunlight all alone. That's enough to make me tiptoe back into the shadowy place where so many of you seem to be residing and can't find a way out.
Last takeaway from this update: I'm really stupid and I apologize to everyone for taking so long to realize it! I'm stupid, irresponsible, spontaneous, and unaccounted for. I hurt people without trying. I hurt them by forgetting to do something and they take it personally and find me undependable. I hurt when I offer advice and speak frankly because I don't wanna deal with your whiny attention hogging bullsht 'cause I don't find it cute, but I still feel loved despite that. Not loved for it, but despite it. Not from you, but from You. When you think about your flaws and mistakes and how pathetic your problems are in the grand scheme of the massive universe, tell yourself that you're loved despite it all anyway and feel your heart get rocked.
There are the acquaintances. And the nice people. And the friends. And the good friends. And the best friends. And the bosom buddies. And I've hurt them all. I should have no one around me.
Sometimes,
I go through my day without remembering any of you. Like, sometimes, there are days when your names and your voices and your faces don't cross my mind. I'd apologize for it but I don't know if I should, if that makes sense. Aren't I allowed to be like this? I don't do it on purpose!
When L and I first talked about how to overcome this distance in July, I remember how I kept saying "well, I don't NEED any of the physical stuff. Why can't a relationship be a commitment or a promise you make for the future? Why can't I just say, 'I'll be there for you,' and have that be enough?"
This is probably a byproduct of my inability to catch raging cases of homesickness. Just so you know, I was totally half-wrong about it.
Distance DOES change things. It does complicate. It challenges. But I feel like I often only struggle because someone else is. When left to my own devices, I'm running on 120%.
Can't you be proud of me? And my self-sufficiency? And my happiness?
It might be hard to feel that way if you feel rejected. A good talk with another ALT from this area helped illuminate a common (like "popular," not "universal") human need: to feel important.
I forget that people think I'm important. So let's say I don't care if people think I'm important or not. Thus, that's what I project onto others. A sense of not caring. I don't feel like anyone thinks I'm important so I don't remember to make other people important. I don't remember to make other people feel like they're important.
Still, I can STILL say Someone loves me.
How ridiculous!
You might
not relate to anything I'm saying in this post. Getting out of touch with people is something I'm unfortunately?strangely? getting a lot better at doing. But I don't want to be afraid to touch, if that makes sense. Vomiting is more important than being understood at this point. That is subject to change.
*Jaden and Willow Smith's interview makes 100% sense to me.
Please tell me you didn't read every word here because I don't like liars.
May 5, 2014
April 27, 2014
payoff from slaving my ass off in this dumbass leadership class
"you are SO thorough and have a really great vocabulary.. so we are lucky that you've taken on a leadership role."
^Funny thing about the above screenshot is that I never wrote the word "everything" in any of the previous emails of this chain, which leads me to believe that this girl literally just wrote "everything" under "Rebecca Chen wrote:" AND THAT MAKES ME LAUGH HAHAHAH but this girl is really sweet and also a really hard worker and I can tell that she gets frustrated with me at the rest of the group that doesn't do shit.
April 26, 2014
ha. ha. ha.
apologies for getting snippy with anyone between now and graduation. i just have too much work to do and any vent i'm given is only gonna serve as a channel for my impatience and angst.
there's something about me really turns people off. it's probably the way i talk. sometimes all i want to say is "there's nothing wrong with that because the whole lot of them piss me off more."
who'd want to be friends with a person like that??
is this why i make friends so easily online?
actually, no. if i'm not really friends with someone, then i wouldn't talk to them in person or online. exclusive online-ness doesn't mean anything. the online-ness is just facilitated by me and another person's compatibility. if i'm not compatible with someone in person, then talking online isn't gonna help. but i'm never gonna know if the people i first talk to online would've really been friends with me if they'd met me in person. i've definitely speculated about this thought before with online friends: "if we'd met in person, do you think we would've even become friends?"
but that whole train of thought is completely useless anyway because what's to gain? nothing, aside from maybe a constant existential paranoia that accompanies a thoroughly cynical self-examination of my meager worth. what's to lose? a friendship wrought to ruin by my constant paranoia and my inability to believe that i'm a decent friendable person. this is why, several times a week, i'm so thankful for friends. they're the people whose arms i'm gonna run into first the moment i free myself from the confines of people i don't want to be around a second more than i have to. they give me a place to go. and at the moment, all i'm feeling is a need to get out.
there's something about me really turns people off. it's probably the way i talk. sometimes all i want to say is "there's nothing wrong with that because the whole lot of them piss me off more."
who'd want to be friends with a person like that??
is this why i make friends so easily online?
actually, no. if i'm not really friends with someone, then i wouldn't talk to them in person or online. exclusive online-ness doesn't mean anything. the online-ness is just facilitated by me and another person's compatibility. if i'm not compatible with someone in person, then talking online isn't gonna help. but i'm never gonna know if the people i first talk to online would've really been friends with me if they'd met me in person. i've definitely speculated about this thought before with online friends: "if we'd met in person, do you think we would've even become friends?"
but that whole train of thought is completely useless anyway because what's to gain? nothing, aside from maybe a constant existential paranoia that accompanies a thoroughly cynical self-examination of my meager worth. what's to lose? a friendship wrought to ruin by my constant paranoia and my inability to believe that i'm a decent friendable person. this is why, several times a week, i'm so thankful for friends. they're the people whose arms i'm gonna run into first the moment i free myself from the confines of people i don't want to be around a second more than i have to. they give me a place to go. and at the moment, all i'm feeling is a need to get out.
March 18, 2014
this break is too long.
i don't really expect anyone to keep reading this and i haven't updated this in about 4 months, which isn't as long as i thought! i do remember keeping a blogspot app on my phone to write down notes but i guess i got rid of it 4 months ago for some reason. i don't know who reads this anymore. i'm assuming nobody.
sometimes there are things i can't write anywhere else and normally i guess i'd write this in a journal but that takes way too long and my hand has a cramp from knitting. it's almost 6:30 and the sun is still really bright outside. this is my favorite time of the day and it comes later and later and lasts longer and longer.
it's nice to have a place like this to write without worrying about my reader's thoughts. to treat my tumblr like that is kinda irresponsible, in my opinion, especially since i want to be encouraging and interesting and overall likeable. i don't think it's exactly dishonest to hide that side of me from the world -- they can hear about it if they really want to (how? idk yet). but sharing that side of me should yield just as much as the positive, otherwise it's kind of useless. and if it's for myself, then why not write for my eyes only in a space like this? i'm assuming nobody reads this.
i've been feeling pretty good. i'm frustrated that ever since i lost my blogs, it's been so hard for me to start up again. my newest tumblr post was just a recycling of something older, but it's currently receiving attention that it didn't get last time, almost as if to say that the past was made up of something good. well, isn't that obvious though? i suppose it is! but the fact that i now have NO records of any of that progress anymore lends me to believe otherwise. this is the problem with memory.
it's been hard to create and like i said earlier, the only thing i've been doing is knitting, which might be symbolic in and of itself. repetitive motions, but each row kinda looks different when my goal of it is to try and make everything look the same as the past. i have a goal in mind that won't be completed until i knit and purl the very last row, but in this case, i'm not even the one who gets to decide that: the amount of yarn i have left does. it sort of hurts my hand. it's supposed to be functional and i reeeally hope i don't mess it up but warm weather is approaching so who's gonna need it? it's made out of thick yarn too, which is only gonna look warmer.
^lol. look warmer.
i'm bored. this break is too long. i'm not struggling but i have a bunch of mild worries, like getting all A's in my classes or if i've fallen behind anywhere. i have an exam next wednesday but i'm not motivated to study. i have planet earth next monday and i wanna take better notes this time around but i hate that class so much and i keep missing stupid iclicker points. i'm a little bit jealous of l and b talking, but honestly, i'm so thankful that it's only a little bit. this is nothing at all like what would happen in my last relationship where i'd fidget and become restless and anxious and agitated because i didn't trust what was going on at all.
to be intimate. doesn't happen with the sex. starts with something before it when you give someone access to something that's normally offlimits to everyone. adultery and affairs start when you tell someone other than your partner "i've never told anyone that before in my life." thinking back on this, if i'm not careful, i'll end up doing that. i've probably already done that idk i haven't been paying attention! but it's great to save something for someone else exclusively. and it's equally terrible to find out that that something isn't just for you alone.
i'm okay i'm okay i'm okay. i've thought about running but i don't have anywhere to run to. this isn't the same as last summer where i was running to get fit and just be happier. i'm sorta happy i think. and sorta depressed. i'm nonchalant. i'm bored. and inactive. and when i think about the world around me spinning and spinning, i feel like dying. not in an amused way. but literally dying. because i wouldn't be up to much else. right now i'm just a fat thing consuming calories, converting energy into fat, converting o2 to co2 and using electricity. i'm waiting for people to talk to me. i hate touching myself.
and like that, these thoughts are suddenly so negative! "it doesn't take much for an event to turn into an unfortunate event." this i know. nothing is set. nothing is planned. i plan for nothing. if you fail to plan, you plan to fail? whatever.
it was nice ranting like this to myself. i'm tired of this world. if someone shot me in the back right now, i wouldn't cry that much about it.
sometimes there are things i can't write anywhere else and normally i guess i'd write this in a journal but that takes way too long and my hand has a cramp from knitting. it's almost 6:30 and the sun is still really bright outside. this is my favorite time of the day and it comes later and later and lasts longer and longer.
it's nice to have a place like this to write without worrying about my reader's thoughts. to treat my tumblr like that is kinda irresponsible, in my opinion, especially since i want to be encouraging and interesting and overall likeable. i don't think it's exactly dishonest to hide that side of me from the world -- they can hear about it if they really want to (how? idk yet). but sharing that side of me should yield just as much as the positive, otherwise it's kind of useless. and if it's for myself, then why not write for my eyes only in a space like this? i'm assuming nobody reads this.
i've been feeling pretty good. i'm frustrated that ever since i lost my blogs, it's been so hard for me to start up again. my newest tumblr post was just a recycling of something older, but it's currently receiving attention that it didn't get last time, almost as if to say that the past was made up of something good. well, isn't that obvious though? i suppose it is! but the fact that i now have NO records of any of that progress anymore lends me to believe otherwise. this is the problem with memory.
it's been hard to create and like i said earlier, the only thing i've been doing is knitting, which might be symbolic in and of itself. repetitive motions, but each row kinda looks different when my goal of it is to try and make everything look the same as the past. i have a goal in mind that won't be completed until i knit and purl the very last row, but in this case, i'm not even the one who gets to decide that: the amount of yarn i have left does. it sort of hurts my hand. it's supposed to be functional and i reeeally hope i don't mess it up but warm weather is approaching so who's gonna need it? it's made out of thick yarn too, which is only gonna look warmer.
^lol. look warmer.
i'm bored. this break is too long. i'm not struggling but i have a bunch of mild worries, like getting all A's in my classes or if i've fallen behind anywhere. i have an exam next wednesday but i'm not motivated to study. i have planet earth next monday and i wanna take better notes this time around but i hate that class so much and i keep missing stupid iclicker points. i'm a little bit jealous of l and b talking, but honestly, i'm so thankful that it's only a little bit. this is nothing at all like what would happen in my last relationship where i'd fidget and become restless and anxious and agitated because i didn't trust what was going on at all.
to be intimate. doesn't happen with the sex. starts with something before it when you give someone access to something that's normally offlimits to everyone. adultery and affairs start when you tell someone other than your partner "i've never told anyone that before in my life." thinking back on this, if i'm not careful, i'll end up doing that. i've probably already done that idk i haven't been paying attention! but it's great to save something for someone else exclusively. and it's equally terrible to find out that that something isn't just for you alone.
i'm okay i'm okay i'm okay. i've thought about running but i don't have anywhere to run to. this isn't the same as last summer where i was running to get fit and just be happier. i'm sorta happy i think. and sorta depressed. i'm nonchalant. i'm bored. and inactive. and when i think about the world around me spinning and spinning, i feel like dying. not in an amused way. but literally dying. because i wouldn't be up to much else. right now i'm just a fat thing consuming calories, converting energy into fat, converting o2 to co2 and using electricity. i'm waiting for people to talk to me. i hate touching myself.
and like that, these thoughts are suddenly so negative! "it doesn't take much for an event to turn into an unfortunate event." this i know. nothing is set. nothing is planned. i plan for nothing. if you fail to plan, you plan to fail? whatever.
it was nice ranting like this to myself. i'm tired of this world. if someone shot me in the back right now, i wouldn't cry that much about it.
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