Not gossiping is harder for me to do than I thought

It's hard to tell a good story teller without characters.

Yes, because He is worthy.

Can we forgive the debts of others that which has already been forgiven in us?

Can you love others with a Christ-like love and advance His glory even moreso when you haven't been shown any at all?

Can we be free in Christ as much as we are a slave to Him as well?

What love is this?

The true platonic kind of love for a brother in Christ I had feelings for?

I don't think my feelings are any less intense than they were from before, but it's all a different kind now.

My heart broke listening to his story and seeing him embrace life and enjoying the growth of others despite his shortcomings. Wow. I want to be like that - no wonder I've been vying for his acknowledgement! He overcame so much and he cast such humility in his testimony that I couldn't help but pay attention to God's grace and hand at work.

Some part of me today became ready to see me living a life without him in that way. It's like we'll always keep circling around each other but I'm destined to never get past him keeping me a metaphorical arm's distance away at all times. And it was almost like the full extent of his awareness was made known to me too because it's not everyday that I meet somebody who sees, and therefore knows, as much as me. He wasn't living life with lids over his eyes, even though he still struggles to see the redeeming and overwhelming love of God permeate even his current situation. Ignorant and happy people are nothing to be jealous of. But the ones who see and hear and feel everything but remain happy are the ones I want to be like.

There was so much humanity. so much encouragement. so much abounding and saving grace. Thank GOD for the times He pushes. And I thank Him all the more for being able to push me gently. What a perfect father! I think that's my favorite way to look at God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit - as a father.

"You have captivated My heart, My sister, My Bride - you have captivated My heart with one glance of your eyes, one sparkle of your necklace." Song of Solomon 4:9

I just have to look at Him and God is enthralled. That never happens with others, but wow - I am the bride of Jesus that He died to save.

Someone's definitely been praying for me. I know a lot of people have been and it's not always in front of me so I can never be sure of what's happening beyond the reach of my sight, but I know someone's been praying for me as an intercessor. To have compassion means to suffer alongside another and this partially explains why I feel like I've moved up another level of merely feeling. Others' sadness has become easier to feel, as well as the confusion and the hopelessness and the anger - but so has the happiness and the hope and the optimism. Now it's just a matter of figuring out what I can do with all that I know (this also just happens to be the minimum requirement I need to one day become a clinical psychologist ._.)

full body paralysis

father God
drag me into maturity
and please carry me when I can't move

ugh I like/hate being vain

I also need to lose 25 pounds because I'm obese.

THAT'S OVER A BAG OF RICE'S WORTH OF MASS*GRAVITY

No guilt in life, no fear in death.

I thought I was stress-free but maybe I'm just aimless.
I don't know how long this is going to last.
It's not like I'm wondering or listless.
Crying twice a week is kind of a big deal.
But I guess it sort of feels like something's not present in my life anymore. Isn't that the appropriate feeling I should have during the Lent season? Yet, it isn't the missing anime. The anime can stay away; even if it came back I'd feel the same as I do now.

I'm supposed to be satisfied by God alone. By Christ's sacrifice alone. But at the moment, I'm not and the void is beginning to quiver and quake, but mostly ache. And I feel guilty that I'm not who I should be. I'm not complacent, yet, because I know what I believe in and I know what I want. I feel guilty for not living the life I should be, but I'm so utterly grateful to have life at the same time, even though this burden comes with it.

Nothing satisfies. Literally nothing effing satisfies. No one friend, no one sermon, no one chapter in the Bible will be able to simultaneously tell me that I'm still loved and that I have a purpose and that it's okay to feel the way I feel now because it's not the end of anything yet and that it's time to start relishing in my present. I don't want to be told that I haven't been forgotten because that'll just piss me off. But it's not anyone's fault - I don't wander into dollar stores and expect to find Oscar De La Renta.

God, please come back into my life again. Please be my only satisfaction. Please give me the strength to turn my eyes away from that which does not fulfill, whether they be people or the things that they do. Shine again like the promise of the sun that greets me every morning, even if clouds are in the way. You'll find me on my knees in worship of Your great grace and Your wondrous mercy. Give me unwavering faith! Give me a renewed devotion to You! I'm sorry for the times I've strayed yet You welcome me back with open arms and with clothes and a feast!

Holy Holy Holy is my God almighty. How undeserving am I of His love!

it's not just a force field
but I'm also con-cealed
by con-men
and even less than the ghost I thought I was to be
because they didn't just not see me, they ignored me
I was blind to myself
They're all players
caught up in a game of contesting rules
different from mine,
that sought to be respected
when they thought mine didn't matter

my mind didn't matter
in that time, in that place
or in any time, any place

Forced into hiding by a robber of joy

Hostage of the silence that only seems appropriate for

that girl

who seems to be okay

and we'll assume she's okay

since it looks like she never asks for help,

even though she probably just doesn't know how.

I have a tendency to wander and a weakness for those who want to wander with me

what if instead of fingers on our hands, we had an intricate arrangement of madness in our tissues and bones and the only time they'd ever attach themselves to another hand (other than your other hand) is if you met the one made for you?

why do people take selfies?
because they like the way they look, I guarantee it

what prevents me from letting community know me?
what do I wish everyone knew about me?

My thoughts are extremely useless.

I need to be sleeping but I feel like I started syncing-up with girls I only sleep with once a week, hence, I have lots to say.

Having free-will and a place to write doesn't mean anything in the end. Google might not end up ruling the world so who knows where these thoughts will go once the servers go down. I can share my URL with only 3 people but I still can't depend on consistent readership. These thoughts ARE pretty stupid though.

Regardless, I can't sleep until I write everything.

I was really disappointed when he said hi to the person next to me but not to me. It's bad because this was exactly what I knew would happen but didn't want to happen. Predicting that I'd get let down and having it happen hurts almost as badly as if I was expecting the best possible outcome from the get-go. 

I hate being disappointed. I hate feeling like I'm wrong and that it hurts to want community/niceness/friendship/real human interaction and not get it because.. I just don't get it! I like being alone sometimes so are people afraid of intruding in my space? Do they think I'll send them away? Do I look like I hate people? Does no one want to be my friend? Do I not deserve friends? Is this their way of saying I should be alone for the rest of my life? Is getting to know me of no benefit or interest to anyone at all?

-switching gears-

The concept of having faith is really odd. Did you realize that having “faith” is conceptually similar to the essence of what binds people together in relationships? It’s the foundation of what it means to be “faithful” to your significant other. Having faith means that I not only expect the s.o. to not hurt me, but also to enrich me. Having faith means I’ll go so far as to be “optimistic” about however the malleable future unfolds. Having faith means that I’m staking my whole life on a promise uttered only once.

I’m with you.

Having faith means I won’t worry about being abandoned or abused. Having faith means I won’t worry about some detail in my life that really only represents 1/N things to happen to me. Having faith means I won’t break my end of the promise just because the circumstances of my life become unfavorable.
I can’t do any of the above well. This is a/the reason why I should probably be single for the rest of my life but Jesus sought me anyway, with His life. And I pray my heart fills up to the point where there’s just no room left in my heart for me to worship or be in the presence of anything else.

-switching gears again-

Today's message about Joseph was really good. We might get caught in a pit and demand to be saved with a fiery hoard of angels and chariots like Elijah but sometimes, He's silent. But He isn't using the things done against us for harm's sake and tries to find a positive in it. He uses the things done against us for harm's sake in another plan of design and everything is redeemed.

To make that more relevant, I've been screaming in my head for the past few hours about the loneliness I feel and sometimes I buy into my own fantasy of some kind and beautiful soul reaching out to me in the corner of the room and everyone's jealous 'cause I've got the attention everyone else covets.

I'm so shallow.

And again, my devilish human nature's got me thinking that I've gotta start fixing myself up before I can understand and accept God's love in my head and my heart because loving me as I am is way too impossible a feat.

But that really is a slap in His face so I'm just gonna do what I normally do when someone tells me they'e got a crush on me (and I'm not disgusted by it):
lie in bed and smile.

I just published a bunch of posts that were sitting as drafts.

I didn't write all of them today.

Am I starving?

Caffeine has a way of making me not feel hungry. I haven't eaten since 8am but I'm not hungry. Really.

I know this isn't good for me because I need my body and my heart to run on actual nutrition, not a stimulant.

If I was really honest, I'd go home tonight and tell my mom that I didn't eat lunch or dinner yet but who knows if I'll actually say those words. I did see a really skinny girl today and I almost stopped right there on the sidewalk because I was so jealous of her. She wasn't anorexic skinny - just naturally-small-and-petite-Asian-thin skinny. Her clothes looked so nice on her. If my hand rests on my pouchy stomach, a feeling of revulsion starts to bubble in the back of my mind and I can't stop it. Clothes can only disguise so much. It's like the flab on my belly is a reminder of all the times I was miserable - so I ate. Or of all the times I wasn't being productive - so I ate. Or of all the times I was trying to find pleasure in something other than what I was forced to engage in - so I ate. It's a representation of all the times I thought I could control something but I gave it up for something so temporary. Sometimes I feel too guilty to eat. I don't make any money. I'm not a nice person. My grades are only okay. I'm probably not going to find work when I graduate. When my family isn't screaming about their disappointment at me, they don't care much about me holing myself up in that one room of the house. I shouldn't be fed. I shouldn't sit at the table. I should get the leftovers. I can't eat until I've made them proud. I can't eat until I know that they want me at the table. I can't eat until I find out if all the effort they put into trying to keep a family together is worth it to them. So it's during times like these I thank caffeine for staving off my hunger because I feel like it's not my mind forcing my body against my will the way certain mental disorders are supposed to work.

And then all of this is reinforced by the fact that my dad doesn't say I'm fat anymore and when people compliment me on losing weight and when I can lift up my shirt and not see something shake when I put my foot down.

If we were all skeletons, I wonder what we'd have to say about each other. Oh, that clavical's too broad. Her ulna is so delicate. His bones aren't as chalky as his brother's. Is it just me or are his femurs unequal??

For the record, I came home and had curry rice, pickled cucumbers, half an avocado, cookies and grape juice on top of the coffees and egg sandwich I already ate today. Could do better next time!

ANTISOCIALISM

THIS is not your usual type of government.

Introversion is a funny thing. To get a grasp on what community is - it isn't enough to sit in a room with people. That's the difference between a room with a mob of people and room of friends.

It's funny that when I switch campuses I might as well may have gone to another city. No. 6 illustrated how much of a difference regions make and how your membership to an area constitutes your identity, whether you like it or not. I'm not talking about the fact that I logically look like I could've been a geisha in a past life but about the fact that out of sight, out of mind is a real and debilitating thing for organizations.

Distances - I want them overcome. Different friend circles - I want them overcome. Poor self-esteem and social awkwardness - I want them overcome.

External Processor?

Essays are great because I learn the most from (re)reading my own words and cultivating my own thoughts and being my own teacher.

It's sometimes embarrassing to read my own words from even a year ago though.

I waste as many words describing myself as the number of breaths I take to support this body every day.

The Four Humours and Their Properties

blood - sanguine (energetic cheerfulness, or bloodthirsty)

sasuke's expression is always sanguine.

yellow bile - choleric (extremely irritable, irascible, easily peeved, distasteful)

"a long scarf of bright bilious green."

black bile - melancholic (well, yeah.)

someone can be suffering from melancholy. wow. 

phlegm - phlegmatic (calm, self-possessed, composed, not easily excited to action or display of emotion; apathetic?)

who knew that such a disgusting word could be applied to someone like me.

Reconstruction

It's weird for me to think about how people aren't who they were yesterday, and certainly not who they were a year ago.

We want to grow up, right? We're all on a quest to find out who we really are, right? We're living and staying true to ourselves and overcoming the dissonance people/situations/philosophies throw at us, right?

I think that's what's hardest for me to bear - to accept this version of you as the true you. Clearly, we've still got a long ways to go but you're taking down bricks and pouring concrete on yourself while I stand and let the cobwebs clothe me.

I feel unfinished -

like there's a detail we all neglected to notice in me. And no one's willing to say it.

like people are only settling for a second-rate walking and talking doll in their physical and virtual company.

like I'm made to be so much more but I'm just me?

So it doesn't matter how offensive or loud my mistakes are because I could be screaming but NO ONE WOULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Meteorites.

A meteorite landed in Russia at 9am (in whatever their timezone is).

I'm disappointed that it came as a "surprise" and "out of nowhere."

But I'm happy that the destruction of earth can happen so instantaneously and without prediction. If good things were supposed to happen later on in life, it's better that we all die so no one misses out. But if bad things were supposed to happen later on in life, it's better that we all die so nothing ever has to happen.

Once I'm dead, I won't be mourning anymore.

"Spaghettification" is the process of all our atoms becoming undone when we reach a black hole. I don't want that to happen to me and no amount of resistance or cries from my soul can do anything about it.
My personal ambitions and my dreams and my fears have no effect whatsoever on illnesses or bullets or drugs or the ground beneath my feet.

But I'm a psych major because I want to know that the mind conquers. That miracles happen in hospital beds when somebody realizes that their social support has been there and will always stand by them.

I wish I could draw because my life would be a pretty fascinating anime.

Jesus and all His righteousness will come to avenge his people. I'll let Him have His way since it'll be better than anything I can come up with anyway.

Love without condition. You do not know the burdens others bear.

Loving isn’t supposed to be easy or automatic. I wholly think that those who claim to love without any struggle haven’t yet embraced the dirtiest, hidden 1%s of each other. Maybe we’re not all meant to know each others’ secrets, but carrying on with loving under the belief that some things aren’t worth knowing/ too painful to know/ are a hopeless case/ some things are better for others to do is us shirking away from the struggle Jesus overcame BY DYING for people like us, knowing exactly what we’re made of and what disgraces we’re capable of committing time and time again.

Can you love someone who hates you? Can you die for someone when you choose to not get to know their story? When am I going to see the kingdom of heaven fight through our rather pathetic discomforts and hesitations?

I’m pissed off that I know of communities (e.g. churches, fellowships, relationships, friendships, families) built entirely on conditional love. I’m pissed off knowing that people suffer from loneliness. I’m pissed off knowing that it’s a mountain of a battle for a newcomer to try and integrate themselves with a group that doesn’t have anymore room because they’d rather figure out which tv shows their childhood friends just watched. I’m pissed off seeing people who think they’re only in a position to receive and be blessed by the brothers and sisters around them when those who are out of sight are also out of mind. I’m especially pissed off that I go to a school where a heckload of people are gonna go to hell because these Christians prioritize knowing deeper theology and trying-not-to-cross-brotherly/sisterly-boundaries-in-an-untimely-and-inappropriately-forward-fashion and avoid conflicts/rebuke instead of stepping into this mission field.

I’m grabbing that mic and I’m speaking and it feels freaking good to let you all know that you guys have hurt me with your shallow, hypocritical, backstabbing inconsiderate ways but Jesus promises me (and all of us) a future where there’s no such thing as pain or hurt or sorrow because we’re all wrapped up in warm fuzzy forgiveness, and that includes with each other. But you know what? Christ didn’t die for CCF or for IV. He died for an ungrateful spoiled population of blind haughty brats because He loves them. He died to take my bitterness and promise something beautiful and sweet from it as fruit. He died to tell us all know that the righteous Creator of the universe knows what He’s doing and that He can overcome whatever He wants with each of us in mind. Just how are you say “thank you” to someone like that?

letters to people

you two- stay together please; y'all making me so giddy!

you two- uh. no????

you two- don't give up yet.

you- I have no idea, sorry.

you- really? why? still? how much more?

you- you don't need him/them but that's just me because I'm a bitter old lady who doesn't need anyone and is coincidentally unwanted too jk

you- okay thanks for walking right by me and making me feel like you've really been caring this whole time

you- take care.

it's not over yet.

the moments that make up the now:
they're fleeting
they're fleeing
they're running away and
you don't have to deal with the now because it's already behind you, so
don't give up on me
because for all my mistakes,
they aren't my identity.
don't give up on them
because for all their reveling in their self righteousness,
they can't see.
and for all the hurt and the loneliness and the pain they don't know,
we both have a father who's here to tend our wounds.
we both have a savior who was scorned and ignored and abused and rejected by the people he died to love.
he died to love.
look at the people who cry in the face because they can't see so well now.
get on your knees to wipe their tears.
give them a hand and help them stand up.

there is no difference between you and them and you and me but he brings us all into one embrace because loving the world is the only thing worth leaving the throne.

so much to say

so few ears
so few eyes
so little patience with myself
part of me chooses to not remember everything

but I'm not a person if I can't remember anything

In short,

you're not even supposed to be here.

Lost and found?

Have too much of one thing; desire the other.

That feeling of being closer to a friend than we actually are.

I'm not questioning our friendship!

It's just that things have begun to feel very temporary and aside from the love of God, I don't know what's going to stay with me when the times get really tough.

Maybe not ASAP

I need to marry a cardiologist asap (hopefully he’s also cute and dresses well and plays instruments classically and can sing and has a strong heart because I really don’t want our kid to have heart disease and is a man of faith and cares about anniversaries and my parents and siblings and will stay up late to marathon tv shows with me and wake me up in time for brunch and makes me laugh enough to compensate for my lack of exercise and give me piggy back rides and likes me better with short hair even though I’d grow it out for him).

but yeah, the heart specialist part - I need that.

People are gonna start identifying me by my death eater's hood

I'll become as infamous as that red head with the cape.

Not the biggest fan of dimples.

Just saying.

I mean, you can't help it if you have them but I almost like it when people don't.

When I see them, it literally looks like you're smiling under the pretense that someone's got an invisible arrow pointed at your cheek and pulled taught. On both sides!

I don't know. I don't think I'll ever like them.

I don't think I'll be wishing you a happy new year.

I used to be a normal-and-politically-aware/ level-headed /rational /socially concerned Taiwanese who advocated the phrase “Lunar new year” instead of “Chinese new year” (for blatantly obvious, do-you-care-about-being-exclusive?, the-far-east-doesnt-belong-to-China!, why-isn’t-being-politically-correct-attractive-anymore?, reasons). Yet something’s taken it to the next level and now I just don’t understand why people, Asian Americans particularly, bother to observe this day when they don’t follow the lunar calendar on a normal occasion. (No one’s answering my Facebook status either but I wasn’t asking rhetorically!) Technically, no one uses it anymore, especially if you’re in a developed, fast-track, multitasking, first world country that has to keep up with everyone else’s international agenda. But people, especially those my age, should consider the possibility that maybe they’re in this for the money or to honor a taken-for-granted excuse for family members to all be in one place. I don’t want to dub this day a “holiday” but I’m against any idea that families need to reason the purpose of their annual get-togethers with a calendar. Am I saying we’re shallow? Also, for Christians, if you’re into sweeping the house and cleaning it up to make way for good luck or if you hang charms upside down - what does that say about what you worship and your devotion to the one and only sovereign God? Are we celebrating a good harvest? Are we welcoming back family members who worked as merchants on the silk road? Am I being a party pooper? Sure, we’re allowed to give antiquated ceremonies a modern and personalized face-lift so we can check off “honored my living and decreased family in 2013,” but I’m not going to fold all my clothes and put them back in my drawers to make my mom feel like I care for her more than I usually do or to comfort my dead great-grandparents I’ve never even met. Is Jesus saddened by my behavior? Is my cynicism making him cry? That’s not for anyone to say, but you’re all encouraged to tell me why this day matters to you at all.

Or, you can all get off the computer and go outside and offer to shovel people’s driveways for free.

I saw a girl with short hair and-

(- this will not be a post about hair.)

- and I really wanted it! But then I started narrating out loud to myself in my head about how much I wanted it.

Would I kill for it? A lot of people say this but would they actually commit murder to call something their own? DO people not realize how barbaric this expression actually is?

Hm, I can't elaborate this post much further because the standard idiom is "I'd kill to have it."

Some people say "I'd rather die than ______" but do we really?

"I'd give the world to see that." Well, too bad, the world isn't yours to give.

I was an English (language, not culture) buff. I know what a hyperbole is, but if I only learned one thing from a class so dedicated to the subtle variations of diction and syntax, it's that I have a knack for the literal and nothing's going to change that!

I think this is one reason why I don't befriend people my age so easily 'cause they say too many things carelessly but I guess I can't exclude myself.

LC

I hate it when people do this.

so lets say I don't wanna exercise
but that's because I don't care
but now I care that I don't care
and there's no such thing as me changing too much
so does that mean I've been changing this whole time?
and caring as well?

what?

anyway, since I now care about not having cared enough, I'm at peace with what's happening so that means I don't have to do anything because apparently I've been doing something anyway.

OKAY.

I have things to say but no time to flesh anything out! :(

What happens when you pray for someone?

What happens when you pray WITH someone?

What happens when you don't?