some days i bring back these thoughts i can summon on demand that remind me there are still things i’m uncertain of and haven’t reached the bottom of yet. thoughts that pit my relationships with people against my personal convictions and what i thought to be true. do i make excuses for them? do i make exceptions? is the flexible thing to do the wisest? am i just being stubborn and close-minded? is this thing worth confronting? do i just let them carry on even though it’s sorta wrong but not really wrong enough for me to make a big deal out of it? what am i actually caring about - me or them?
on another maybe related note, i feel a spirit of sore-loserdom arising. it’s antagonistic. it’s irritable. it’s it’s the kind that gets jealous easily and quickly comes up with a bunch of lame explanations for the way things are and can’t be happy for others and always has a mean thing to say. lol. why can’t it die already. why why why why why.
bible reading hasn’t been happening. i did pray for something rather radical but its worth should’ve probably been discussed with others. i kinda asked God to get rid of my spiritual experience. to wipe my history clean. to prevent me from talking with other christians in typical christianese fashion about stuff i know with my head even when i feel like it’s a sham. to break habits and repetitive ways of thinking and praying about every kind of situation and to find God’s absolute truth despite it. to get rid of my faith that’s built on years of appeasing to people i don’t give a damn about anymore.
because really, just because you feel something doesn’t prove anything about God existing. just because you have already have arguments and counterarguments prepared proves nothing about God being more than just a human construct. but i guess it’s like i’m saying give me the proof that there’s no proof and i’m running myself into the ground already.
you know, maybe i’m just spoiled. i take too many things for granted. what makes a nonbeliever a believer and a dead man alive again? i’m tired of my own answers. i don’t know what i’m looking for. i’ve been raised with everything centered around the given assumption that God exists. if i wasn’t raised that way, then how would I know he’s worth knowing about?
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