this break is too long.

i don't really expect anyone to keep reading this and i haven't updated this in about 4 months, which isn't as long as i thought! i do remember keeping a blogspot app on my phone to write down notes but i guess i got rid of it 4 months ago for some reason. i don't know who reads this anymore. i'm assuming nobody.

sometimes there are things i can't write anywhere else and normally i guess i'd write this in a journal but that takes way too long and my hand has a cramp from knitting. it's almost 6:30 and the sun is still really bright outside. this is my favorite time of the day and it comes later and later and lasts longer and longer.

it's nice to have a place like this to write without worrying about my reader's thoughts. to treat my tumblr like that is kinda irresponsible, in my opinion, especially since i want to be encouraging and interesting and overall likeable. i don't think it's exactly dishonest to hide that side of me from the world -- they can hear about it if they really want to (how? idk yet). but sharing that side of me should yield just as much as the positive, otherwise it's kind of useless. and if it's for myself, then why not write for my eyes only in a space like this? i'm assuming nobody reads this.

i've been feeling pretty good. i'm frustrated that ever since i lost my blogs, it's been so hard for me to start up again. my newest tumblr post was just a recycling of something older, but it's currently receiving attention that it didn't get last time, almost as if to say that the past was made up of something good. well, isn't that obvious though? i suppose it is! but the fact that i now have NO records of any of that progress anymore lends me to believe otherwise. this is the problem with memory.

it's been hard to create and like i said earlier, the only thing i've been doing is knitting, which might be symbolic in and of itself. repetitive motions, but each row kinda looks different when my goal of it is to try and make everything look the same as the past. i have a goal in mind that won't be completed until i knit and purl the very last row, but in this case, i'm not even the one who gets to decide that: the amount of yarn i have left does. it sort of hurts my hand. it's supposed to be functional and i reeeally hope i don't mess it up but warm weather is approaching so who's gonna need it? it's made out of thick yarn too, which is only gonna look warmer.

^lol. look warmer.

i'm bored. this break is too long. i'm not struggling but i have a bunch of mild worries, like getting all A's in my classes or if i've fallen behind anywhere. i have an exam next wednesday but i'm not motivated to study. i have planet earth next monday and i wanna take better notes this time around but i hate that class so much and i keep missing stupid iclicker points. i'm a little bit jealous of l and b talking, but honestly, i'm so thankful that it's only a little bit. this is nothing at all like what would happen in my last relationship where i'd fidget and become restless and anxious and agitated because i didn't trust what was going on at all.

to be intimate. doesn't happen with the sex. starts with something before it when you give someone access to something that's normally offlimits to everyone. adultery and affairs start when you tell someone other than your partner "i've never told anyone that before in my life." thinking back on this, if i'm not careful, i'll end up doing that. i've probably already done that idk i haven't been paying attention! but it's great to save something for someone else exclusively. and it's equally terrible to find out that that something isn't just for you alone.

i'm okay i'm okay i'm okay. i've thought about running but i don't have anywhere to run to. this isn't the same as last summer where i was running to get fit and just be happier. i'm sorta happy i think. and sorta depressed. i'm nonchalant. i'm bored. and inactive. and when i think about the world around me spinning and spinning, i feel like dying. not in an amused way. but literally dying. because i wouldn't be up to much else. right now i'm just a fat thing consuming calories, converting energy into fat, converting o2 to co2 and using electricity. i'm waiting for people to talk to me. i hate touching myself.

and like that, these thoughts are suddenly so negative! "it doesn't take much for an event to turn into an unfortunate event." this i know. nothing is set. nothing is planned. i plan for nothing. if you fail to plan, you plan to fail? whatever.

it was nice ranting like this to myself. i'm tired of this world. if someone shot me in the back right now, i wouldn't cry that much about it.