learning

No matter how neglected I felt or how shallow, hypocritical, lazy, theatrical, two-faced, insincere, uncomfortable-with-discomfort I thought you all were -- the love you held and still have for one another must have been the real thing. I can tell you guys love(d) each other, and for that, I want to learn from you. (Also I've been all those adjectives at the same time on numerous occasions.)

Bitterness still darkens my perception of whatever you gave to each other because I never felt like a recipient of it. Maybe some of you can relate and maybe some of you can only understand this theoretically, but I no longer felt welcome. My home suddenly felt like it was filled with strangers. I felt shunned. I felt abandoned. The connections I had were meaningless so I sought new ones. I reached out but I'd never find follow-up. Was I supposed to do that by myself and for myself? When I was in pieces? Losing weight? Losing friends? Failing school? I burned bridges, cut ties, blocked and defriended before anyone could hurt me because my paradigm of "Christian fellowship" was shattering and the shards that fell were sharp. I've nurtured hatred and self-righteousness for a long time and told myself that I needed to protect what was left of me from that which was toxic and deceptive.

I thought you were all scum producing more scum, feeding on scum, dressing yourselves with scum, and fanning each other's sins and while the community you pledged to serve fell out of sight because you were crying too damn loudly to hear other people cry too.

Dramatic, I know.

Today, there are people I need to love here in Japan and I want to love the best that I can. I want to give them the best of myself, and I recognize that's Christ in me because if you look at my thoughts, how much "good" could a person like me possibly generate? And how long could that last? I want them to know a life-giving community that's safe, free from pressure, and always directed to God because I've been able to experience it. 

So I asked myself, "where have I witnessed great love in my life or around me?"

And you all came to mind. 

My pain blinded me from seeing the good that circulated between you, like blood cells receiving oxygen. My pride stopped me from acknowledging that if Jesus went to the cross for me, then He definitely did it for all of you too and that's why we should be family. I was hurt because I was jealous. I was jealous that I never got to have deep meaningful conversations past midnight, or make bad late-night split-second decisions with you, or learned to see the good in each of you because I was too busy reveling and taking pleasure at the sin and rumors that all too easily eclipsed a genuine, if not convoluted and selective kind, of love. This love was as much a work in progress as the givers and recipients of it but it all came from the source of second chances, too. 

I'm a weak person standing face-to-face again with my ego in shame, but ready to step out of this shell. I don't know if I should apologize, to be honest. I don't particularly desire anyone to do it either. In any case, the slate is clean for me now. I will go in peace.