No. 6

NOTE: I wasn't entirely conscious when I wrote this because I was supposed to be sleeping.

My heart was ripped out, metaphorically speaking.

WHAT KIND OF ENDING WAS THAT

I don’t know how else to describe this feeling.

I have so much longing that I physically can’t handle it. My body has been trapped in a state of agitation - imagine trying to contain a hundred reverberations. My psychology can’t handle it. It feels like the left side of my chest is pushing and fighting and falling and screaming because it’s so dissatisfied but what can a fist-sized muscle do? What can it do for two characters hanging onto a promise made with words the other couldn’t hear because they were heading towards opposite directions?

They came from a lonely life until they found each other, but now they're heading back into it. Or are they? There are circumstances that'll provide purpose for them. Sion has to meet his mom and build No. 6 to be the place where they won't victimize anyone anymore. Nezumi doesn't need to seek revenge anymore so what will he do? Where will he go? My heart and my brain are exercising every fiber they have to think of some circumstance that will unite them again. That'll make them cross paths again. That'll make the world make sense when those two are together again. But is that even something that should happen? They have nothing in common anymore. They share nothing more than these intense heartwrenching experiences molded by the most unique circumstances imaginable. How else can they forge purpose for one or the other or for them together by their own strength?

The last time I felt like this was when I was dumped. Okashii na! I woke up this morning without a dream. Maybe it was because I felt like I couldn't come up with one in light of seeing them part ways. This is why I can't stand love stories. I'm still trying to conceive the possibility that their relationship wasn't the point of the story since they booth had things that needed to do. It was just a side story. But isn't that the point of our lives? To have moments that come and go?

I NEED A SEASON TWO OR ELSE I CANNOT FUNCTION

If I could pick a "vision verse" -

And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Luke 6:33-36

5th grade health class

I remember it being really boring. The books were outdated, the pages were yellowed and cracked, and opening them would release an unpleasant expired sort of odor. The people in the photographs had ugly hair and whitewashed jeans with the tight ankle cuffs. A lot of the things we learned seemed like common sense unless it was about the difference between arteries and veins and what the left side of the brain did compared to the right. The lesson on stress was probably the most vague and unmemorable, if not for the fact that its vagueness made it memorable. I couldn't comprehend how something we felt (e.g. competition or fear or indecisiveness) could eventually mangle my heart and increase my chances for strokes and other chronic diseases.

But being a college student who exercises next to never, eats poorly, sleeps irregularly, drinks more caffeine than usual during times when my psychology is already compromised is just a set up for a premature death. It's ironically sadistic how "evolved and sophisticated" human nature drains our life source. There isn't another specimen in the animal kingdom who remains in a constantly agitated state because they realize they're in a constantly agitated state. People in third world countries don't have fewer rates of depression for no reason.

And education has an oddly curvilinear relationship with health. Those who attain higher levels of education practice healthier and wiser lifestyles and thus experience a heightened quality of life. But in order to get there, their minds and their bodies aimlessly go through a hell known as the school system to arrive at something, anything, that'll redeem the journey. Conversely, it's sorta sad that the stereotype of a lower educated bumpkin being an obese smoker has warranted roots, but their financial situation and social stratification leaves them with little comfort or options in the first place.

Don't make me out to be an anarchist of any kind. I think everyone needs to learn something more, girls especially (so I guess you could make me out to be a feminist). Take this quote from the Misfits: "there's only one thing young ladies should be inserting into themselves - and that's knowledge." But there's a healthier way of doing things and people should make smart goal-aspiring stress-free living the norm. Caring about my health and others' health is a good thing (and maybe a potential professional route for me?) End rant.

Restarting!

I actually have a bunch of posts that I keep as drafts because I used this as a place to vent. But now that I've set up multiple private tumblr accounts to categorize every type of rant I could have, this place has begun to feel neglected. I won't stop writing though, so my blogspot will keep account of this. It's also too much of a pain explaining why my main account has so many pictures and the value I intend for people to derive of them.

I'm impressed by the people who tirelessly update their lives online everyday. I have a vague grasp on who still subscribes to this page and normally that'd affect what I write - but it really doesn't mean a thing to me anymore. To follow is a disordered amalgamation of my thoughts.

Molly's owner is about to come in 3 hours - I really hope she doesn't return to us depressed. Dogs are so interesting. They're entirely caught up in the moment. Little of what they do is an investment for their future. They'll eat anything and everything because they don't know what could kill them. Her owner of 6 years, who I know dearly misses her, is coming but despite what we say or how we flail our arms, Molly can't share that excitement.

I've fixed my sleeping habits in under a day, and I've done it again! Ha!

The people who update their statuses on facebook regularly are a certain type of people. I know some of them blog but I don't know if I'd be too interested in reading what they have to say.

KHR is finally getting better but the pay-off isn't supposed to come 140 episodes later ._.

There's a letter I have to write but hand-writing letters expends a mental faculty that's become rusty. I can't approach them the way I would with an essay for school or even a rant on the internet. I have to take away the emoticons. I have to be aware of the aesthetic of the result of pen to paper. I have to decide between using black or blue ink. But the biggest issue I have is probably that I write so much and I'm disappointed when the effort isn't returned. It's not about how expensive the stationary was, which is why I have no shame writing on regular notebook paper. (I actually don't have a problem with wide vs college ruled because I squish twice as many words as I'm supposed to on the former).

This winter break has been much better than my previous one. Last year, I was recovering from the termination of a relationship but I came to receive healing overwhelming in the months that followed. Something as dumb as that was enough to jeopardize my standing as a student, again, but I've emerged from the world of academics triumphantly. There's nothing in the world quite like academic satisfaction.

As a commuter, there's a lot of things I've had to reprioritize as important or not. Fellowships and college-student-evangelic-duties got knocked down while my family went up the ranks. I don't really care about people anymore (but this is a statement I'm going to spend the rest of my life challenging). The site I used to play online games with an online community shut down. The amount of anime I've seen in the past few weeks is more than I've ever consumed at once. My circumstances have changed me. I'm a lot more short tempered, impatient, spoiled, reserved, judgmental than before (and you could say the T spectrum of the Myers Briggs continuum increased). On the other hand, I'm more organized, disciplined, efficient, focused, strategic and goal oriented than before. But did my character have to change so much in order for me to gain what I've gained? I hate speaking about the "human condition" because it's as annoying to me as dropping the word "society" around for any sort of vague universal validation, but I have a hope that perfectly well rounded people exist. I was a lot more emotional before, but I believe there are those who've retained that quality while getting a crapload of stuff done. There's no absolute give-or-take (man, I HATE this phrase) for people and they continue to surprise me the more I observe them.

Also, in anime, I put myself into a lot of the characters' shoes in terms of how they respond to people and situations. Whether or not my reactions are imbued by my upbringing or my personality, it's mindblowing how many times the main characters pick grace over revenge. Patience over blowing up. Service over reprimanding someone with the reasons why they don't deserve anything. It's hard to explain but they're just too nice. There are role models to be found and the otaku in me has no shame, thus I learn many a life-lesson from them.

I love how sweet you are to me but I can’t really understand why you hang onto a bitterness that taints your taste.

I wonder where you want me to be because I find myself hanging on like an old wet band aid. I feel as if I’m waiting for you to tear me off because that’s when you’ll find your satisfaction.

But no. Just pray.

Tell me that you look ahead and see me somewhere there. The demons from your past have no place for where I want us to be. 

If you have a minute, why don’t we go talk about it somewhere only we know?

Grab a hold of my waist as this brown spotted horse gallops across grass sweet enough to eat. If you fall asleep and lean on my back, you’ll miss me singing.

Let go of a name and we’ll be light enough to soar past red balloons and waltz between the sunrising clouds. Do you know I have problems falling asleep? My tongue is set on fire.

Sleepovers.

Didn't really have any when I was growing up!

If I think hard about it, I've had 0 sleepovers. So that's 0 sleepover experience. I remember being invited back in kindergarten (when I couldn't even speak English!) and my mom said no. But to this day, I wonder if that was ever an issue of translation more than anything else -__-"

There were multiple factors why I never hung out with the girlies after the sun set and the moon was out.

1. Sleeping bag.
My family doesn't camp. We're sheltered, and fragile Asians who  hate bugs and the rustling of branches and needs air conditioning. So the only sleeping bag we actually possess is this foresty (go figure) army camp out camouflage green sleeping bag with neon green fluff inside. Bleh. Bear vomit. Not what I'd prefer to bring into a room of flower-power carpets and pink unicorn doll houses and matching Barbie pajamas.

2. Pajamas
My mom's mom used to send me these pajamas she'd buy in the tiny alley market place next to her apartment. One pair I remember most vividly was a taxi-yellow top and bottom set with tight wrist and ankle cuffs (to make sure my body heat didn't escape while I snoozed, duh) and there was a line of totoro characters walking along the waist of my pants and shirt. My mom sent me to school while I wore this and I never had the option of quieting this messy loud outfit of color with a set of jeans because I didn't have any so I remember a lot of kids laughing at me. And when I didn't have these unisex clothes sent from across the world, I got boy clothes. Never any unicorns, Polly Pocket or Disney princesses theme - just me and my cheap cotton sweats.

3. Favor
My parents don't like being indebted. They were afraid that if I were go to over to someone's house for the night, American culture would compel these two, not completely assimilated Taiwanese folks to open their doors to my other kindergarten friends (I use the word "friends" loosely now that I remember they laughed at me...) and expose our super Asian, envelope stacked, slippered, box-towered, dried shiitaki mushroom smelling interior of our home. Pride and fear of confrontation and the potential to not be completely accepted due to my culture by my classmates were also factors.

4. Grades
I studied in kindergarten.

* * *
Don't go "woe is you"-ing just yet; I've been having multiple sleepovers now that I'm in college! And I don't feel like I've missed out on much because my college friends are the people with whom I'm most concerned; my high school and below friends, for the most part, belong to a history I don't care to revist. I'm glad that I do have a place of my own, even if it's just for most of a year, to share with my friends and that they are so eager to want my company from when we sleep to when we wake up. Growing up is fun and I've been learning that it doesn't necessarily mean I'm replacing my childhood with something new and more appropriate for "grown ups." Not having the childhood most privileged kids in a developed country have had, this might be one reason why I have "extended adolescence." Fun fun fun.

okayokayI'mguiltyofusingtumblr.

The colors were too pretty.

if i unconsciously make time for sadness everyday

i should consciously make time for happiness everyday.
a little help with that?