what do you do when you want to start over

not necessarily a sad thing. I've just been thinking.

i recognize this feeling.

i feel incompetent
to the point of being paralyzed
because you talk in such a defensive, self protecting, manipulative attacking way.

walk away walk away walk away

i don't want to run and research for grad school and study for the gres!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lets go to the beach beach

More often than not, I do things that are good for me. More often than not, when I do things that aren't good for me, they're unintentional/accidental.

Because seriously, who wants to be grounded in the summer time?

People are having bbqs and going to the beach and setting off fireworks and I am slowly deteriorating my eyesight by staring at this screen or reading articles online or learning how to write or reading a book.

People text me and find out I'm "grounded" (seriously, I don't know anyone else who is right now... or have been in the past 10 years). They try to meet up with me, find out the truth, and sympathize. I don't need your pity. I don't need a "wow that sucks" or a "don't be too bummed out" because I'm taking care of it.

--

I remember being in Taiwan on a July 4th about 3 summers ago. Only 3 summers ago. My aunt's husband was asking me if today of all days held any significance to me. At the time it didn't because I completely lost track of the time until he reminded me it was 7/4. He sort of chuckled when I said its formal name is Independence Day and then the topic naturally drifted over to Taiwanese political affairs. Typical.

Why do people on facebook keep wishing me a happy fourth of July. Like go away - I'm not celebrating it with you and you saying that doesn't make me any happier or any less grounded so shut upppp. I don't need anyone to say it. It's dumb.

http://vimeo.com/13963181 a gintama episode about independence day. happy day for myself.

this was a tumblr draft

some days i bring back these thoughts i can summon on demand that remind me there are still things i’m uncertain of and haven’t reached the bottom of yet. thoughts that pit my relationships with people against my personal convictions and what i thought to be true. do i make excuses for them? do i make exceptions? is the flexible thing to do the wisest? am i just being stubborn and close-minded? is this thing worth confronting? do i just let them carry on even though it’s sorta wrong but not really wrong enough for me to make a big deal out of it? what am i actually caring about - me or them? 

on another maybe related note, i feel a spirit of sore-loserdom arising. it’s antagonistic. it’s irritable. it’s it’s the kind that gets jealous easily and quickly comes up with a bunch of lame explanations for the way things are and can’t be happy for others and always has a mean thing to say. lol. why can’t it die already. why why why why why.

bible reading hasn’t been happening. i did pray for something rather radical but its worth should’ve probably been discussed with others. i kinda asked God to get rid of my spiritual experience. to wipe my history clean. to prevent me from talking with other christians in typical christianese fashion about stuff i know with my head even when i feel like it’s a sham. to break habits and repetitive ways of thinking and praying about every kind of situation and to find God’s absolute truth despite it. to get rid of my faith that’s built on years of appeasing to people i don’t give a damn about anymore. 

because really, just because you feel something doesn’t prove anything about God existing. just because you have already have arguments and counterarguments prepared proves nothing about God being more than just a human construct. but i guess it’s like i’m saying give me the proof that there’s no proof and i’m running myself into the ground already. 

you know, maybe i’m just spoiled. i take too many things for granted. what makes a nonbeliever a believer and a dead man alive again? i’m tired of my own answers. i don’t know what i’m looking for. i’ve been raised with everything centered around the given assumption that God exists. if i wasn’t raised that way, then how would I know he’s worth knowing about? 

this bear

wah so cute

outlandish & paradise blue

I had a dream I was reading the words of a book by fs fitzgerald.. but then I woke up and googled the book title and it doesn't exist so all the pages I vividly remember reading were all made up even though it was really good writing! but it's been 30 minutes since I woke up and I can't remember every turn of phrase as desperately as I want to. but now I have 2 titles to use for books I'll never write but they're mineeee.

I need to stop going into conversations

and meeting new people while thinking I'm weak and incapable of anything or anyway the conversation or friendship plays itself out.

Yes, they're both 2-person activities but I shouldn't be so passive all the time and just accept things as they are. I am always in a position to actively do something about the way things are.

On another note, thank you 2-faithful-readers for catching up on the melancholy of Rebecca Chen. This is as exciting as it gets.