you are annoying. why the hell do you even still have friends. why do you reblog those things. damn. what do you know about treating women right. how dare you. how the hell do you still get people to respect you and even care about your worthless life?
January 8, 2015
January 5, 2015
December 7, 2014
December 4, 2014
Proverbs 5:23
He will die because there is no discipline, and be lost because of his great stupidity.
hahah fml
November 27, 2014
learning
No matter how neglected I felt or how shallow, hypocritical, lazy, theatrical, two-faced, insincere, uncomfortable-with-discomfort I thought you all were -- the love you held and still have for one another must have been the real thing. I can tell you guys love(d) each other, and for that, I want to learn from you. (Also I've been all those adjectives at the same time on numerous occasions.)
Bitterness still darkens my perception of whatever you gave to each other because I never felt like a recipient of it. Maybe some of you can relate and maybe some of you can only understand this theoretically, but I no longer felt welcome. My home suddenly felt like it was filled with strangers. I felt shunned. I felt abandoned. The connections I had were meaningless so I sought new ones. I reached out but I'd never find follow-up. Was I supposed to do that by myself and for myself? When I was in pieces? Losing weight? Losing friends? Failing school? I burned bridges, cut ties, blocked and defriended before anyone could hurt me because my paradigm of "Christian fellowship" was shattering and the shards that fell were sharp. I've nurtured hatred and self-righteousness for a long time and told myself that I needed to protect what was left of me from that which was toxic and deceptive.
I thought you were all scum producing more scum, feeding on scum, dressing yourselves with scum, and fanning each other's sins and while the community you pledged to serve fell out of sight because you were crying too damn loudly to hear other people cry too.
Dramatic, I know.
Today, there are people I need to love here in Japan and I want to love the best that I can. I want to give them the best of myself, and I recognize that's Christ in me because if you look at my thoughts, how much "good" could a person like me possibly generate? And how long could that last? I want them to know a life-giving community that's safe, free from pressure, and always directed to God because I've been able to experience it.
So I asked myself, "where have I witnessed great love in my life or around me?"
And you all came to mind.
My pain blinded me from seeing the good that circulated between you, like blood cells receiving oxygen. My pride stopped me from acknowledging that if Jesus went to the cross for me, then He definitely did it for all of you too and that's why we should be family. I was hurt because I was jealous. I was jealous that I never got to have deep meaningful conversations past midnight, or make bad late-night split-second decisions with you, or learned to see the good in each of you because I was too busy reveling and taking pleasure at the sin and rumors that all too easily eclipsed a genuine, if not convoluted and selective kind, of love. This love was as much a work in progress as the givers and recipients of it but it all came from the source of second chances, too.
I'm a weak person standing face-to-face again with my ego in shame, but ready to step out of this shell. I don't know if I should apologize, to be honest. I don't particularly desire anyone to do it either. In any case, the slate is clean for me now. I will go in peace.
November 19, 2014
LONG TIME NO UPDATE FROM JAPAN TIL NOW -- here's the stuff my better judgement tells me not to post on my super public blog.
I wonder
why you believe what you do anymore. Any of you! All of you! I'm asking this to everyone! Especially those of you who are struggling. This is going to make me sound like a robot or a computer program or actually autistic but I honestly don't understand/remember/recall what struggling feels like anymore. It's an experience I've forgotten about. Its associated feelings are unfamiliar to me. Because, I'm dumb. I don't know anything and the world is rather simple to me... and I'd ask you to help complicate it for me but I don't deserve access to that kind of experience. I'm probably tired. Tired of indecisiveness. Of being stuck. If you don't believe, then you don't believe. If you're mad, then you're mad. If you're telling yourself something but not feeling it, then transcend it and ask yourself what you still trust about this reality that you can and cannot perceive.
"Those who have ears, let them hear!"
One time,
I heard my pastor say "don't deliberately go out of your way to pray for struggles! The Christian life isn't supposed to be full of prosecution if you're blessed to be in a situation where you've been abundantly graced with so many luxuries to honor God with. We're not supposed to be masochists!" And yeah, I agree with that, but, like............ I'm a dumb human being and I don't feel good sitting here in the sunlight all alone. That's enough to make me tiptoe back into the shadowy place where so many of you seem to be residing and can't find a way out.
Last takeaway from this update: I'm really stupid and I apologize to everyone for taking so long to realize it! I'm stupid, irresponsible, spontaneous, and unaccounted for. I hurt people without trying. I hurt them by forgetting to do something and they take it personally and find me undependable. I hurt when I offer advice and speak frankly because I don't wanna deal with your whiny attention hogging bullsht 'cause I don't find it cute, but I still feel loved despite that. Not loved for it, but despite it. Not from you, but from You. When you think about your flaws and mistakes and how pathetic your problems are in the grand scheme of the massive universe, tell yourself that you're loved despite it all anyway and feel your heart get rocked.
There are the acquaintances. And the nice people. And the friends. And the good friends. And the best friends. And the bosom buddies. And I've hurt them all. I should have no one around me.
Sometimes,
I go through my day without remembering any of you. Like, sometimes, there are days when your names and your voices and your faces don't cross my mind. I'd apologize for it but I don't know if I should, if that makes sense. Aren't I allowed to be like this? I don't do it on purpose!
When L and I first talked about how to overcome this distance in July, I remember how I kept saying "well, I don't NEED any of the physical stuff. Why can't a relationship be a commitment or a promise you make for the future? Why can't I just say, 'I'll be there for you,' and have that be enough?"
This is probably a byproduct of my inability to catch raging cases of homesickness. Just so you know, I was totally half-wrong about it.
Distance DOES change things. It does complicate. It challenges. But I feel like I often only struggle because someone else is. When left to my own devices, I'm running on 120%.
Can't you be proud of me? And my self-sufficiency? And my happiness?
It might be hard to feel that way if you feel rejected. A good talk with another ALT from this area helped illuminate a common (like "popular," not "universal") human need: to feel important.
I forget that people think I'm important. So let's say I don't care if people think I'm important or not. Thus, that's what I project onto others. A sense of not caring. I don't feel like anyone thinks I'm important so I don't remember to make other people important. I don't remember to make other people feel like they're important.
Still, I can STILL say Someone loves me.
How ridiculous!
You might
not relate to anything I'm saying in this post. Getting out of touch with people is something I'm unfortunately?strangely? getting a lot better at doing. But I don't want to be afraid to touch, if that makes sense. Vomiting is more important than being understood at this point. That is subject to change.
*Jaden and Willow Smith's interview makes 100% sense to me.
why you believe what you do anymore. Any of you! All of you! I'm asking this to everyone! Especially those of you who are struggling. This is going to make me sound like a robot or a computer program or actually autistic but I honestly don't understand/remember/recall what struggling feels like anymore. It's an experience I've forgotten about. Its associated feelings are unfamiliar to me. Because, I'm dumb. I don't know anything and the world is rather simple to me... and I'd ask you to help complicate it for me but I don't deserve access to that kind of experience. I'm probably tired. Tired of indecisiveness. Of being stuck. If you don't believe, then you don't believe. If you're mad, then you're mad. If you're telling yourself something but not feeling it, then transcend it and ask yourself what you still trust about this reality that you can and cannot perceive.
"Those who have ears, let them hear!"
One time,
I heard my pastor say "don't deliberately go out of your way to pray for struggles! The Christian life isn't supposed to be full of prosecution if you're blessed to be in a situation where you've been abundantly graced with so many luxuries to honor God with. We're not supposed to be masochists!" And yeah, I agree with that, but, like............ I'm a dumb human being and I don't feel good sitting here in the sunlight all alone. That's enough to make me tiptoe back into the shadowy place where so many of you seem to be residing and can't find a way out.
Last takeaway from this update: I'm really stupid and I apologize to everyone for taking so long to realize it! I'm stupid, irresponsible, spontaneous, and unaccounted for. I hurt people without trying. I hurt them by forgetting to do something and they take it personally and find me undependable. I hurt when I offer advice and speak frankly because I don't wanna deal with your whiny attention hogging bullsht 'cause I don't find it cute, but I still feel loved despite that. Not loved for it, but despite it. Not from you, but from You. When you think about your flaws and mistakes and how pathetic your problems are in the grand scheme of the massive universe, tell yourself that you're loved despite it all anyway and feel your heart get rocked.
There are the acquaintances. And the nice people. And the friends. And the good friends. And the best friends. And the bosom buddies. And I've hurt them all. I should have no one around me.
Sometimes,
I go through my day without remembering any of you. Like, sometimes, there are days when your names and your voices and your faces don't cross my mind. I'd apologize for it but I don't know if I should, if that makes sense. Aren't I allowed to be like this? I don't do it on purpose!
When L and I first talked about how to overcome this distance in July, I remember how I kept saying "well, I don't NEED any of the physical stuff. Why can't a relationship be a commitment or a promise you make for the future? Why can't I just say, 'I'll be there for you,' and have that be enough?"
This is probably a byproduct of my inability to catch raging cases of homesickness. Just so you know, I was totally half-wrong about it.
Distance DOES change things. It does complicate. It challenges. But I feel like I often only struggle because someone else is. When left to my own devices, I'm running on 120%.
Can't you be proud of me? And my self-sufficiency? And my happiness?
It might be hard to feel that way if you feel rejected. A good talk with another ALT from this area helped illuminate a common (like "popular," not "universal") human need: to feel important.
I forget that people think I'm important. So let's say I don't care if people think I'm important or not. Thus, that's what I project onto others. A sense of not caring. I don't feel like anyone thinks I'm important so I don't remember to make other people important. I don't remember to make other people feel like they're important.
Still, I can STILL say Someone loves me.
How ridiculous!
You might
not relate to anything I'm saying in this post. Getting out of touch with people is something I'm unfortunately?strangely? getting a lot better at doing. But I don't want to be afraid to touch, if that makes sense. Vomiting is more important than being understood at this point. That is subject to change.
*Jaden and Willow Smith's interview makes 100% sense to me.
Please tell me you didn't read every word here because I don't like liars.
May 5, 2014
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