Who am I becoming?

I don't exactly know for sure.

Things that should satisfy me are not. I keep noticing how they're lacking. Not quite of the quality I need.

So much can happen, so I'm gonna go out and do something about it, starting with the nursing home.

Like thank you for that bit that sustains me. I'm gonna need nourishment again but I don't want to be needy. It'd be easier if you didn't need to care about me. Who would want to feed the mouth of the insatiable and picky?

Ha ha. where are these thoughts coming from? period will probably happen soon.

said this to a friend, but it's true that in my experience, my mom bothered me with "did you eat yet?" everyday. but as I've come to understand that as her way of loving me, I find myself asking that to people too.

another friend made a profound point: would you ever tell me I'm fat to my face? no? then don't do it to yourself either!

I would never tell anyone they're undeserving of love, so why am I believing the very opposite of what I want to give me hope? Is it truly because I think the cry of my sin-saturated heart is stronger than the glory of God?

I wonder just how strong I am. Better some hours than others. If I think about loneliness and isolation too much, then I'll begin to apply that to myself too.

I'm not pitiable. I have too much time and spare energy on my hands. It's time to do something uncomfortable.

I still carry a lot of burdens from my last relationship, but I don't think I'm the same person anymore and I'm not sure when this happened. Not sure if I exactly like this version of me and I'm kind of concerned if other people like me anymore too.

Promises aren't so easy to keep.

but even given this, God will love me with a love this dumb test can't describe. He will break through this.

godly people

I know the type and I can recall the feeling I get even I encounter one. they're like a whole other breed of person and immediately wonder how they got to that point in life and everything they happened in the moments before they met me. how extraordinary and intense it must be.

i'm catching myself doing the comparing thing with them, but stopping short of feeling bad.

I think lowly about myself because I know the sins I've done. to an outside person who knows nothing, I may as well look as put together as any other godly person.

and that gives me comfort.

it's stupid that I can be comforted by comparisons to people who look like they don't have it all together. for my heart to say, at least I'm not like that.

I love retreats

I can't eat as much because they have a limited supply of food so I always come back a little bit skinnier.

I'm not happy

but didn't I ask for this?

Everything keeps falling.

Two nights ago, I slept for an hour because I had a crazy Sunday where I didn't go to church and spent nearly the entire day in bed, with the heater on, watching Yakitate!! Japan, thinking about bread to eat (because it's an anime about bread) and how my sister is doing even though she and I never talk but I'd remember hearing her blasting and laughing at this anime in her room back in NJ.

Woke up, spilled tea on my tatami floor. I KNEW I shouldn't have put my cup there but I was like, "yeah I believe in my powers of grace and coordination enough that in the morning, I won't just stumble and shake the entire apartment complex with my awakening as if I were Jesus or something."

I was like AHHHH because tatami mats are really expensive to replace and mine were brand new but normal tissues soaked it up pretty thoroughly, and I'm grateful my apartment's air was cold and dry enough to help it all evaporate away without signs of damage.

Still frustrated, I decided to read (read: listen to the audio recording while I multitask in my rushhour morning) the Bible and it instantly calmed me. And told truths to me. And reminded me that there was more to this world, if that makes sense. It was like I was listening with a new pair of ears.

Other things that I dropped that day:
- phone off my bed and onto my closed laptop; really didn't like the sound of metal dropping on metal.
- slipped on ice, probably lightly sprained my ankle
- I was taking groceries to the car at the time and I came back with one less head of lettuce than I bought...
- broke an egg and the yolk fell on the floor!
- reached for keys on my floor and it fell on the ground
- reading the back of a book and placing it back on the stand only to knock everything else down.

My life is really boring but I can't believe all this happened to me in one day. I'm not gonna think too much about it.

usually good but recently not

you are annoying. why the hell do you even still have friends. why do you reblog those things. damn. what do you know about treating women right. how dare you. how the hell do you still get people to respect you and even care about your worthless life?

props to you for still reading

"but the more I hide, the worse I feel."