Brothers.

It's not really a secret what they did anymore so now I can write about it.

Their visit made me happy. The way they cared about someone who hasn't shown up even once moved me. Beyond being able to ever conceive of an idea like this, I was probably ready to stop associating myself with them too, which made this visit all the more significant.

Speaking as a lonely girl, I don't find it demeaning to be guarded by guys who are trying their best to care for their sisters (even though they won't ever understand us 100%), but that word alone sounds too heavy for what I think they're actually doing. I feel safe and I feel supported and I feel remembered/noticed. I really like how this act resembles what my friend at umich experiences as a dude among a bigger pool of dudes who take accountability and boundaries and communal growth seriously. Caring for people so actively is a demonstration of love, which is something I assume they know, and I want to receive it without a doubtful heart. I can tell they prayed a lot and that they're moving cautiously too but this is good stuff. I've been doing a lot of my own guarding as of late so I am relieved (but just what is Romans 12?)

"You'll always be a part of ccf."

Is this good? Is this bad? I feel like talking about my membership with them is a whole other topic so I'll avoid it for now, but for this group to reach out to me is something pretty extraordinary. Not only did it quell my insecurities about my membership, but it's moving me to forgive them and to try and permanently bury a rotting perception I've had of males from this fellowship (though females aren't excused either). But it's not like they're my only brothers who have the potential to help me grow or lead me astray. I just have/had the most questions with them as of late! I owe so much to the sanctuaries I've found in friendships that've never wavered.

But does this mean I'm still "in"? Am I now one of those "friends" ccf has a reputation of only serving to? If so, then that means I'm making too much of this gesture. Yet, I don't feel like I'll ever be "in" because frankly, I'm not close to anyone there (and I'd like to challenge any statement saying otherwise - thank you freshman year) but if reaching out to me = reaching out of their comfort zone, then I can respect that. Then again, I don't need to forcefully remove myself from associating with them in order to just accept their goodwill as a straight forward, well-intentioned, albeit somewhat ignorant, re-invitation back into ccf.

But in the end, their visit wasn't about that at all. It wasn't about making a name for themselves nor was it for ccf. It was for God. It was to do something more because it hasn't been done and because it can do something good. I'm reminded that there are people who are asking to take some of my burdens. They might not change my situations but they want to be my support system. They want to be knights (even though they probably know there's nothing glorious about carrying another's muck and secrets).

As a commuter, I fall prey to thinking "out of sight, out of mind" a lot, but in terms of assuming things I think others are thinking about me. (This is embarrassing but) since I think that no one cares about me anymore, that's turned me into someone who won't turn away company [granted I don't already dislike him/her and that I'm not dealing with more than 2 ppl at once]. My tolerance for sabishii has gone up but it also takes more (in quality as opposed to quantity) to get rid of it. I don't know what this visit means for me + ccf but I should put in the effort to reciprocate? I think that's what I wanna do and the motivation for that is the act itself. 

Before, I wanted someone to just say hi to me. Now I don't really know if I need this next thing, but I think I'd like someone to pray with me. That'd be real nice.