but like honestly though

it just feels so bad right now
and i want to talk to       but
i shouldn't
for reasons
that i respect
, care about
, make sense to me
,
but before then, until then
im left to hold all these things inside
like babies i didnt want
God forbid an abortion.
and no one reads this
but it's not like i'll ask
because i don't want to ask
but i want to be known
"no one's a mind reader"
which is why i thank God i have God
but this is actually
really
wow
a little
overbearing

but just for right now

i need help too

ha ha God help me
this is just a little too intense right now
so i'm gonna start changing the subject
and i probably don't need to talk about how my classes went well or how great my nail polish is or how fab this ring looks on my right ring finger.
i'm gonna talk about
a good time
a healed time
aka the future
when everything's okay
and everyone's happy
because happiness is important
AND I HOPE I NEVER FORGET THAT
or try to use reason to say it's not
but even in my tiredness, i definitely don't care for happiness that much.

i don't even know who to talk to. someone who knows nothing? someone who knows a little bit?

but seriously,
if i don't say anything to someone
then i'm literally gonna just
be in silence
and no one will know.

ALSO
it's hard but in some ways almost easier to just be left in my own silence here in japan. because guess what, no one else speaks english. they can't cope.
also, the japanese way of coping is unfulfilling to me.
they definitely don't resonate with feelings enough but mind you, whenever they talk to me, it's like, a LOT different from the kinds of talks theyd usually have with people. also, i often am around the most japanese people at work, which isn't the most appropriate place for feelings.
i miss my friends.

i miss my friends.
i wish they were in japan. i can't talk about things to other people because the biggest problem is that they don't register feelings in the right caliber as me. i feel myself explaining to them and trying my hardest to phrase thing sin a way so they just don't judge.

i also know why people act out. i really get it. rebecca, you get it. don't ever think that you don't again.
people act out because it feels great. i act out because i've been stifled for a while. it feels good to just do that thing you told yourself you weren't allowed to do. that you couldn't do. and then afterwards just be like, ha that wasn't so bad. im still alive. im' fine.
i'm not even talking about like, really bad things. but things like EATING CARBS. ugh.

and i often counter this in my head with questions like "where's your self control, rebecca."

those are really ineffective.

anyway, i'm probably pmsing. i can't breathe that well. the air feels funny when i breathe. my eyes often go out of focus sometimes at work. nothing here is really demanding a constant laser beam focus, but instead slowly pulling bits of it away. like static electricity.

this has been a long rant and a post to no one. thanks.