by being surrounded by negativity.
i'm talking about the things other people are going through and how it's all starting to accumualte. most of this negativity isn't in any way directed towards me, but some of it probably is. i sound self deprecating when i say that, but i'm just talking about the effort it takes for someone to even talk, let alone talk to me. and people tell me things because i ask. and i ask because i care.
and for some reason, i find myself almost lunging out there with more care than usual because something doesn't feel right. in the air. in my stomach when i'm just sitting. in my head when i quickly scroll through a blog. in my fingers when i see a "____ is typing..." for a long long long time. something don't feel right. like puzzle pieces you're trying to force together that just need to be rotated a bit.
like things that have an easy solution but it's so difficult to see it.
like things that are precariously positioned on a teetering mountain top because from this point forward, everything matters and i want to just reassure people to take it slow and breathe and not make a big deal of things. stop talking about it to death. stop only talking about the bad parts you remember. stop always falling back into your habits and forgetting everything you learned in between.
but maybe that's what's important? maybe they should make an even bigger deal of things. maybe this all requires some late nights staying up, sweating and crying, like the most difficult assignment you ever had.
i don't even remember difficult assignments anymore! a lot of what i remember was just tedious. stick to it, daily, faithfully, and you'll wear that mountain back down into a sandcastle. don't give up. just put out the energy you've been giving. nothing more. definitely nothing less. watch your consistency pay off.
but what if that doesn't work? what if the limit of that just reaches no where. you can only dig so deep into a mountain with a shovel before you have to call in the machines. the big guns. like a dentist drill, but a million times more painful and not meant for the human mouth.
i don't know what's going on. we all need help. we all need counseling. the place for Jesus to come is so clear. the Bible needs to be read. people need to be praying. people are waiting, but what are they waiting for?
i need to talk to someone and the best candidate is God. tonight he and i are gonna have a pretty long session. i hope i come to him as prepared as i can be.
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