Brothers.

It's not really a secret what they did anymore so now I can write about it.

Their visit made me happy. The way they cared about someone who hasn't shown up even once moved me. Beyond being able to ever conceive of an idea like this, I was probably ready to stop associating myself with them too, which made this visit all the more significant.

Speaking as a lonely girl, I don't find it demeaning to be guarded by guys who are trying their best to care for their sisters (even though they won't ever understand us 100%), but that word alone sounds too heavy for what I think they're actually doing. I feel safe and I feel supported and I feel remembered/noticed. I really like how this act resembles what my friend at umich experiences as a dude among a bigger pool of dudes who take accountability and boundaries and communal growth seriously. Caring for people so actively is a demonstration of love, which is something I assume they know, and I want to receive it without a doubtful heart. I can tell they prayed a lot and that they're moving cautiously too but this is good stuff. I've been doing a lot of my own guarding as of late so I am relieved (but just what is Romans 12?)

"You'll always be a part of ccf."

Is this good? Is this bad? I feel like talking about my membership with them is a whole other topic so I'll avoid it for now, but for this group to reach out to me is something pretty extraordinary. Not only did it quell my insecurities about my membership, but it's moving me to forgive them and to try and permanently bury a rotting perception I've had of males from this fellowship (though females aren't excused either). But it's not like they're my only brothers who have the potential to help me grow or lead me astray. I just have/had the most questions with them as of late! I owe so much to the sanctuaries I've found in friendships that've never wavered.

But does this mean I'm still "in"? Am I now one of those "friends" ccf has a reputation of only serving to? If so, then that means I'm making too much of this gesture. Yet, I don't feel like I'll ever be "in" because frankly, I'm not close to anyone there (and I'd like to challenge any statement saying otherwise - thank you freshman year) but if reaching out to me = reaching out of their comfort zone, then I can respect that. Then again, I don't need to forcefully remove myself from associating with them in order to just accept their goodwill as a straight forward, well-intentioned, albeit somewhat ignorant, re-invitation back into ccf.

But in the end, their visit wasn't about that at all. It wasn't about making a name for themselves nor was it for ccf. It was for God. It was to do something more because it hasn't been done and because it can do something good. I'm reminded that there are people who are asking to take some of my burdens. They might not change my situations but they want to be my support system. They want to be knights (even though they probably know there's nothing glorious about carrying another's muck and secrets).

As a commuter, I fall prey to thinking "out of sight, out of mind" a lot, but in terms of assuming things I think others are thinking about me. (This is embarrassing but) since I think that no one cares about me anymore, that's turned me into someone who won't turn away company [granted I don't already dislike him/her and that I'm not dealing with more than 2 ppl at once]. My tolerance for sabishii has gone up but it also takes more (in quality as opposed to quantity) to get rid of it. I don't know what this visit means for me + ccf but I should put in the effort to reciprocate? I think that's what I wanna do and the motivation for that is the act itself. 

Before, I wanted someone to just say hi to me. Now I don't really know if I need this next thing, but I think I'd like someone to pray with me. That'd be real nice.

To have or not have expectations?

aka: "the root of all heartache." This will be something I question for the rest of my life as well.

Rather than decide on a "case-by-case" basis, I'll say that my default is to not have any expectations. If anything, I'm the first to assume the worst!

On the other hand, I want to be surrounded by people who are trustworthy and responsible. If they say they're going to do something by a certain time on a certain day, then they're asking me to expect them to deliver nothing more, nothing less.

By having to resort to the former of methods means that I am not surrounded by people who are trustworthy and responsible and that's extremely unfortunate. There's a lot of talk about how difficult it is to give trust back to someone after it's been handled carelessly but part of me wants to be vulnerable just so the recklessness of some people will be evident to them. Am I heartless for doing that? Shouldn't they learn their lesson? Shouldn't they witness how destructive and crippling their carelessness can be?

But instead, there's another reason. Grace. Shouldn't I be vulnerable and expect the best from people because Christ's example beckons me to do the same (doesn't that just sound nice?). I know he chose to love some pretty unloveable people, hence his death and resurrection. Let's see how long that'll continue to motivate me. Getting bruised every once in a while should be something I can recover from anyway (e.g. forgiveness exercises).

Do I practice 1 John 4:19?

When do I feel the best about myself?

Good question!

1. When I finish a blogpost and I manage to say everything I wanted to say.

2. When someone compliments me - hahahahaha. I'm not going to deny that words of encouragement help me remember how I've been gifted and what I've accomplished. That's the funny thing about accomplishments; we've all probably done more than we know ourselves so it's up to the people around us to say "hey, that was awesome. Keep it up."

For the record, no one's asking me these questions. I just ask myself tons of questions and sometimes I ponder about one long enough to turn it into something worth writing out.

Why am I such a nasty person (sometimes)?

I don't see Christ in me at all.

No. 6

NOTE: I wasn't entirely conscious when I wrote this because I was supposed to be sleeping.

My heart was ripped out, metaphorically speaking.

WHAT KIND OF ENDING WAS THAT

I don’t know how else to describe this feeling.

I have so much longing that I physically can’t handle it. My body has been trapped in a state of agitation - imagine trying to contain a hundred reverberations. My psychology can’t handle it. It feels like the left side of my chest is pushing and fighting and falling and screaming because it’s so dissatisfied but what can a fist-sized muscle do? What can it do for two characters hanging onto a promise made with words the other couldn’t hear because they were heading towards opposite directions?

They came from a lonely life until they found each other, but now they're heading back into it. Or are they? There are circumstances that'll provide purpose for them. Sion has to meet his mom and build No. 6 to be the place where they won't victimize anyone anymore. Nezumi doesn't need to seek revenge anymore so what will he do? Where will he go? My heart and my brain are exercising every fiber they have to think of some circumstance that will unite them again. That'll make them cross paths again. That'll make the world make sense when those two are together again. But is that even something that should happen? They have nothing in common anymore. They share nothing more than these intense heartwrenching experiences molded by the most unique circumstances imaginable. How else can they forge purpose for one or the other or for them together by their own strength?

The last time I felt like this was when I was dumped. Okashii na! I woke up this morning without a dream. Maybe it was because I felt like I couldn't come up with one in light of seeing them part ways. This is why I can't stand love stories. I'm still trying to conceive the possibility that their relationship wasn't the point of the story since they booth had things that needed to do. It was just a side story. But isn't that the point of our lives? To have moments that come and go?

I NEED A SEASON TWO OR ELSE I CANNOT FUNCTION

If I could pick a "vision verse" -

And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Luke 6:33-36

5th grade health class

I remember it being really boring. The books were outdated, the pages were yellowed and cracked, and opening them would release an unpleasant expired sort of odor. The people in the photographs had ugly hair and whitewashed jeans with the tight ankle cuffs. A lot of the things we learned seemed like common sense unless it was about the difference between arteries and veins and what the left side of the brain did compared to the right. The lesson on stress was probably the most vague and unmemorable, if not for the fact that its vagueness made it memorable. I couldn't comprehend how something we felt (e.g. competition or fear or indecisiveness) could eventually mangle my heart and increase my chances for strokes and other chronic diseases.

But being a college student who exercises next to never, eats poorly, sleeps irregularly, drinks more caffeine than usual during times when my psychology is already compromised is just a set up for a premature death. It's ironically sadistic how "evolved and sophisticated" human nature drains our life source. There isn't another specimen in the animal kingdom who remains in a constantly agitated state because they realize they're in a constantly agitated state. People in third world countries don't have fewer rates of depression for no reason.

And education has an oddly curvilinear relationship with health. Those who attain higher levels of education practice healthier and wiser lifestyles and thus experience a heightened quality of life. But in order to get there, their minds and their bodies aimlessly go through a hell known as the school system to arrive at something, anything, that'll redeem the journey. Conversely, it's sorta sad that the stereotype of a lower educated bumpkin being an obese smoker has warranted roots, but their financial situation and social stratification leaves them with little comfort or options in the first place.

Don't make me out to be an anarchist of any kind. I think everyone needs to learn something more, girls especially (so I guess you could make me out to be a feminist). Take this quote from the Misfits: "there's only one thing young ladies should be inserting into themselves - and that's knowledge." But there's a healthier way of doing things and people should make smart goal-aspiring stress-free living the norm. Caring about my health and others' health is a good thing (and maybe a potential professional route for me?) End rant.

Restarting!

I actually have a bunch of posts that I keep as drafts because I used this as a place to vent. But now that I've set up multiple private tumblr accounts to categorize every type of rant I could have, this place has begun to feel neglected. I won't stop writing though, so my blogspot will keep account of this. It's also too much of a pain explaining why my main account has so many pictures and the value I intend for people to derive of them.

I'm impressed by the people who tirelessly update their lives online everyday. I have a vague grasp on who still subscribes to this page and normally that'd affect what I write - but it really doesn't mean a thing to me anymore. To follow is a disordered amalgamation of my thoughts.

Molly's owner is about to come in 3 hours - I really hope she doesn't return to us depressed. Dogs are so interesting. They're entirely caught up in the moment. Little of what they do is an investment for their future. They'll eat anything and everything because they don't know what could kill them. Her owner of 6 years, who I know dearly misses her, is coming but despite what we say or how we flail our arms, Molly can't share that excitement.

I've fixed my sleeping habits in under a day, and I've done it again! Ha!

The people who update their statuses on facebook regularly are a certain type of people. I know some of them blog but I don't know if I'd be too interested in reading what they have to say.

KHR is finally getting better but the pay-off isn't supposed to come 140 episodes later ._.

There's a letter I have to write but hand-writing letters expends a mental faculty that's become rusty. I can't approach them the way I would with an essay for school or even a rant on the internet. I have to take away the emoticons. I have to be aware of the aesthetic of the result of pen to paper. I have to decide between using black or blue ink. But the biggest issue I have is probably that I write so much and I'm disappointed when the effort isn't returned. It's not about how expensive the stationary was, which is why I have no shame writing on regular notebook paper. (I actually don't have a problem with wide vs college ruled because I squish twice as many words as I'm supposed to on the former).

This winter break has been much better than my previous one. Last year, I was recovering from the termination of a relationship but I came to receive healing overwhelming in the months that followed. Something as dumb as that was enough to jeopardize my standing as a student, again, but I've emerged from the world of academics triumphantly. There's nothing in the world quite like academic satisfaction.

As a commuter, there's a lot of things I've had to reprioritize as important or not. Fellowships and college-student-evangelic-duties got knocked down while my family went up the ranks. I don't really care about people anymore (but this is a statement I'm going to spend the rest of my life challenging). The site I used to play online games with an online community shut down. The amount of anime I've seen in the past few weeks is more than I've ever consumed at once. My circumstances have changed me. I'm a lot more short tempered, impatient, spoiled, reserved, judgmental than before (and you could say the T spectrum of the Myers Briggs continuum increased). On the other hand, I'm more organized, disciplined, efficient, focused, strategic and goal oriented than before. But did my character have to change so much in order for me to gain what I've gained? I hate speaking about the "human condition" because it's as annoying to me as dropping the word "society" around for any sort of vague universal validation, but I have a hope that perfectly well rounded people exist. I was a lot more emotional before, but I believe there are those who've retained that quality while getting a crapload of stuff done. There's no absolute give-or-take (man, I HATE this phrase) for people and they continue to surprise me the more I observe them.

Also, in anime, I put myself into a lot of the characters' shoes in terms of how they respond to people and situations. Whether or not my reactions are imbued by my upbringing or my personality, it's mindblowing how many times the main characters pick grace over revenge. Patience over blowing up. Service over reprimanding someone with the reasons why they don't deserve anything. It's hard to explain but they're just too nice. There are role models to be found and the otaku in me has no shame, thus I learn many a life-lesson from them.