Meteorites.

A meteorite landed in Russia at 9am (in whatever their timezone is).

I'm disappointed that it came as a "surprise" and "out of nowhere."

But I'm happy that the destruction of earth can happen so instantaneously and without prediction. If good things were supposed to happen later on in life, it's better that we all die so no one misses out. But if bad things were supposed to happen later on in life, it's better that we all die so nothing ever has to happen.

Once I'm dead, I won't be mourning anymore.

"Spaghettification" is the process of all our atoms becoming undone when we reach a black hole. I don't want that to happen to me and no amount of resistance or cries from my soul can do anything about it.
My personal ambitions and my dreams and my fears have no effect whatsoever on illnesses or bullets or drugs or the ground beneath my feet.

But I'm a psych major because I want to know that the mind conquers. That miracles happen in hospital beds when somebody realizes that their social support has been there and will always stand by them.

I wish I could draw because my life would be a pretty fascinating anime.

Jesus and all His righteousness will come to avenge his people. I'll let Him have His way since it'll be better than anything I can come up with anyway.

Love without condition. You do not know the burdens others bear.

Loving isn’t supposed to be easy or automatic. I wholly think that those who claim to love without any struggle haven’t yet embraced the dirtiest, hidden 1%s of each other. Maybe we’re not all meant to know each others’ secrets, but carrying on with loving under the belief that some things aren’t worth knowing/ too painful to know/ are a hopeless case/ some things are better for others to do is us shirking away from the struggle Jesus overcame BY DYING for people like us, knowing exactly what we’re made of and what disgraces we’re capable of committing time and time again.

Can you love someone who hates you? Can you die for someone when you choose to not get to know their story? When am I going to see the kingdom of heaven fight through our rather pathetic discomforts and hesitations?

I’m pissed off that I know of communities (e.g. churches, fellowships, relationships, friendships, families) built entirely on conditional love. I’m pissed off knowing that people suffer from loneliness. I’m pissed off knowing that it’s a mountain of a battle for a newcomer to try and integrate themselves with a group that doesn’t have anymore room because they’d rather figure out which tv shows their childhood friends just watched. I’m pissed off seeing people who think they’re only in a position to receive and be blessed by the brothers and sisters around them when those who are out of sight are also out of mind. I’m especially pissed off that I go to a school where a heckload of people are gonna go to hell because these Christians prioritize knowing deeper theology and trying-not-to-cross-brotherly/sisterly-boundaries-in-an-untimely-and-inappropriately-forward-fashion and avoid conflicts/rebuke instead of stepping into this mission field.

I’m grabbing that mic and I’m speaking and it feels freaking good to let you all know that you guys have hurt me with your shallow, hypocritical, backstabbing inconsiderate ways but Jesus promises me (and all of us) a future where there’s no such thing as pain or hurt or sorrow because we’re all wrapped up in warm fuzzy forgiveness, and that includes with each other. But you know what? Christ didn’t die for CCF or for IV. He died for an ungrateful spoiled population of blind haughty brats because He loves them. He died to take my bitterness and promise something beautiful and sweet from it as fruit. He died to tell us all know that the righteous Creator of the universe knows what He’s doing and that He can overcome whatever He wants with each of us in mind. Just how are you say “thank you” to someone like that?

letters to people

you two- stay together please; y'all making me so giddy!

you two- uh. no????

you two- don't give up yet.

you- I have no idea, sorry.

you- really? why? still? how much more?

you- you don't need him/them but that's just me because I'm a bitter old lady who doesn't need anyone and is coincidentally unwanted too jk

you- okay thanks for walking right by me and making me feel like you've really been caring this whole time

you- take care.

it's not over yet.

the moments that make up the now:
they're fleeting
they're fleeing
they're running away and
you don't have to deal with the now because it's already behind you, so
don't give up on me
because for all my mistakes,
they aren't my identity.
don't give up on them
because for all their reveling in their self righteousness,
they can't see.
and for all the hurt and the loneliness and the pain they don't know,
we both have a father who's here to tend our wounds.
we both have a savior who was scorned and ignored and abused and rejected by the people he died to love.
he died to love.
look at the people who cry in the face because they can't see so well now.
get on your knees to wipe their tears.
give them a hand and help them stand up.

there is no difference between you and them and you and me but he brings us all into one embrace because loving the world is the only thing worth leaving the throne.

so much to say

so few ears
so few eyes
so little patience with myself
part of me chooses to not remember everything

but I'm not a person if I can't remember anything

In short,

you're not even supposed to be here.

Lost and found?

Have too much of one thing; desire the other.

That feeling of being closer to a friend than we actually are.

I'm not questioning our friendship!

It's just that things have begun to feel very temporary and aside from the love of God, I don't know what's going to stay with me when the times get really tough.