I need to be sleeping but I feel like I started syncing-up with girls I only sleep with once a week, hence, I have lots to say.
Having free-will and a place to write doesn't mean anything in the end. Google might not end up ruling the world so who knows where these thoughts will go once the servers go down. I can share my URL with only 3 people but I still can't depend on consistent readership. These thoughts ARE pretty stupid though.
Regardless, I can't sleep until I write everything.
I was really disappointed when he said hi to the person next to me but not to me. It's bad because this was exactly what I knew would happen but didn't want to happen. Predicting that I'd get let down and having it happen hurts almost as badly as if I was expecting the best possible outcome from the get-go.
I hate being disappointed. I hate feeling like I'm wrong and that it hurts to want community/niceness/friendship/real human interaction and not get it because.. I just don't get it! I like being alone sometimes so are people afraid of intruding in my space? Do they think I'll send them away? Do I look like I hate people? Does no one want to be my friend? Do I not deserve friends? Is this their way of saying I should be alone for the rest of my life? Is getting to know me of no benefit or interest to anyone at all?
-switching gears-
The concept of having faith is really odd. Did you realize that having “faith” is conceptually similar to the essence of what binds people together in relationships? It’s the foundation of what it means to be “faithful” to your significant other. Having faith means that I not only expect the s.o. to not hurt me, but also to enrich me. Having faith means I’ll go so far as to be “optimistic” about however the malleable future unfolds. Having faith means that I’m staking my whole life on a promise uttered only once.
I’m with you.
Having faith means I won’t worry about being abandoned or abused. Having faith means I won’t worry about some detail in my life that really only represents 1/N things to happen to me. Having faith means I won’t break my end of the promise just because the circumstances of my life become unfavorable.
I can’t do any of the above well. This is a/the reason why I should probably be single for the rest of my life but Jesus sought me anyway, with His life. And I pray my heart fills up to the point where there’s just no room left in my heart for me to worship or be in the presence of anything else.
-switching gears again-
Today's message about Joseph was really good. We might get caught in a pit and demand to be saved with a fiery hoard of angels and chariots like Elijah but sometimes, He's silent. But He isn't using the things done against us for harm's sake and tries to find a positive in it. He uses the things done against us for harm's sake in another plan of design and everything is redeemed.
To make that more relevant, I've been screaming in my head for the past few hours about the loneliness I feel and sometimes I buy into my own fantasy of some kind and beautiful soul reaching out to me in the corner of the room and everyone's jealous 'cause I've got the attention everyone else covets.
I'm so shallow.
And again, my devilish human nature's got me thinking that I've gotta start fixing myself up before I can understand and accept God's love in my head and my heart because loving me as I am is way too impossible a feat.
But that really is a slap in His face so I'm just gonna do what I normally do when someone tells me they'e got a crush on me (and I'm not disgusted by it):
lie in bed and smile.
February 21, 2013
February 16, 2013
Am I starving?
Caffeine has a way of making me not feel hungry. I haven't eaten since 8am but I'm not hungry. Really.
I know this isn't good for me because I need my body and my heart to run on actual nutrition, not a stimulant.
If I was really honest, I'd go home tonight and tell my mom that I didn't eat lunch or dinner yet but who knows if I'll actually say those words. I did see a really skinny girl today and I almost stopped right there on the sidewalk because I was so jealous of her. She wasn't anorexic skinny - just naturally-small-and-petite-Asian-thin skinny. Her clothes looked so nice on her. If my hand rests on my pouchy stomach, a feeling of revulsion starts to bubble in the back of my mind and I can't stop it. Clothes can only disguise so much. It's like the flab on my belly is a reminder of all the times I was miserable - so I ate. Or of all the times I wasn't being productive - so I ate. Or of all the times I was trying to find pleasure in something other than what I was forced to engage in - so I ate. It's a representation of all the times I thought I could control something but I gave it up for something so temporary. Sometimes I feel too guilty to eat. I don't make any money. I'm not a nice person. My grades are only okay. I'm probably not going to find work when I graduate. When my family isn't screaming about their disappointment at me, they don't care much about me holing myself up in that one room of the house. I shouldn't be fed. I shouldn't sit at the table. I should get the leftovers. I can't eat until I've made them proud. I can't eat until I know that they want me at the table. I can't eat until I find out if all the effort they put into trying to keep a family together is worth it to them. So it's during times like these I thank caffeine for staving off my hunger because I feel like it's not my mind forcing my body against my will the way certain mental disorders are supposed to work.
And then all of this is reinforced by the fact that my dad doesn't say I'm fat anymore and when people compliment me on losing weight and when I can lift up my shirt and not see something shake when I put my foot down.
If we were all skeletons, I wonder what we'd have to say about each other. Oh, that clavical's too broad. Her ulna is so delicate. His bones aren't as chalky as his brother's. Is it just me or are his femurs unequal??
For the record, I came home and had curry rice, pickled cucumbers, half an avocado, cookies and grape juice on top of the coffees and egg sandwich I already ate today. Could do better next time!
I know this isn't good for me because I need my body and my heart to run on actual nutrition, not a stimulant.
If I was really honest, I'd go home tonight and tell my mom that I didn't eat lunch or dinner yet but who knows if I'll actually say those words. I did see a really skinny girl today and I almost stopped right there on the sidewalk because I was so jealous of her. She wasn't anorexic skinny - just naturally-small-and-petite-Asian-thin skinny. Her clothes looked so nice on her. If my hand rests on my pouchy stomach, a feeling of revulsion starts to bubble in the back of my mind and I can't stop it. Clothes can only disguise so much. It's like the flab on my belly is a reminder of all the times I was miserable - so I ate. Or of all the times I wasn't being productive - so I ate. Or of all the times I was trying to find pleasure in something other than what I was forced to engage in - so I ate. It's a representation of all the times I thought I could control something but I gave it up for something so temporary. Sometimes I feel too guilty to eat. I don't make any money. I'm not a nice person. My grades are only okay. I'm probably not going to find work when I graduate. When my family isn't screaming about their disappointment at me, they don't care much about me holing myself up in that one room of the house. I shouldn't be fed. I shouldn't sit at the table. I should get the leftovers. I can't eat until I've made them proud. I can't eat until I know that they want me at the table. I can't eat until I find out if all the effort they put into trying to keep a family together is worth it to them. So it's during times like these I thank caffeine for staving off my hunger because I feel like it's not my mind forcing my body against my will the way certain mental disorders are supposed to work.
And then all of this is reinforced by the fact that my dad doesn't say I'm fat anymore and when people compliment me on losing weight and when I can lift up my shirt and not see something shake when I put my foot down.
If we were all skeletons, I wonder what we'd have to say about each other. Oh, that clavical's too broad. Her ulna is so delicate. His bones aren't as chalky as his brother's. Is it just me or are his femurs unequal??
For the record, I came home and had curry rice, pickled cucumbers, half an avocado, cookies and grape juice on top of the coffees and egg sandwich I already ate today. Could do better next time!
ANTISOCIALISM
THIS is not your usual type of government.
Introversion is a funny thing. To get a grasp on what community is - it isn't enough to sit in a room with people. That's the difference between a room with a mob of people and room of friends.
It's funny that when I switch campuses I might as well may have gone to another city. No. 6 illustrated how much of a difference regions make and how your membership to an area constitutes your identity, whether you like it or not. I'm not talking about the fact that I logically look like I could've been a geisha in a past life but about the fact that out of sight, out of mind is a real and debilitating thing for organizations.
Distances - I want them overcome. Different friend circles - I want them overcome. Poor self-esteem and social awkwardness - I want them overcome.
Introversion is a funny thing. To get a grasp on what community is - it isn't enough to sit in a room with people. That's the difference between a room with a mob of people and room of friends.
It's funny that when I switch campuses I might as well may have gone to another city. No. 6 illustrated how much of a difference regions make and how your membership to an area constitutes your identity, whether you like it or not. I'm not talking about the fact that I logically look like I could've been a geisha in a past life but about the fact that out of sight, out of mind is a real and debilitating thing for organizations.
Distances - I want them overcome. Different friend circles - I want them overcome. Poor self-esteem and social awkwardness - I want them overcome.
External Processor?
Essays are great because I learn the most from (re)reading my own words and cultivating my own thoughts and being my own teacher.
It's sometimes embarrassing to read my own words from even a year ago though.
I waste as many words describing myself as the number of breaths I take to support this body every day.
I waste as many words describing myself as the number of breaths I take to support this body every day.
The Four Humours and Their Properties
blood - sanguine (energetic cheerfulness, or bloodthirsty)
sasuke's expression is always sanguine.
yellow bile - choleric (extremely irritable, irascible, easily peeved, distasteful)
"a long scarf of bright bilious green."
black bile - melancholic (well, yeah.)
someone can be suffering from melancholy. wow.
phlegm - phlegmatic (calm, self-possessed, composed, not easily excited to action or display of emotion; apathetic?)
who knew that such a disgusting word could be applied to someone like me.
Reconstruction
It's weird for me to think about how people aren't who they were yesterday, and certainly not who they were a year ago.
We want to grow up, right? We're all on a quest to find out who we really are, right? We're living and staying true to ourselves and overcoming the dissonance people/situations/philosophies throw at us, right?
I think that's what's hardest for me to bear - to accept this version of you as the true you. Clearly, we've still got a long ways to go but you're taking down bricks and pouring concrete on yourself while I stand and let the cobwebs clothe me.
We want to grow up, right? We're all on a quest to find out who we really are, right? We're living and staying true to ourselves and overcoming the dissonance people/situations/philosophies throw at us, right?
I think that's what's hardest for me to bear - to accept this version of you as the true you. Clearly, we've still got a long ways to go but you're taking down bricks and pouring concrete on yourself while I stand and let the cobwebs clothe me.
I feel unfinished -
like there's a detail we all neglected to notice in me. And no one's willing to say it.
like people are only settling for a second-rate walking and talking doll in their physical and virtual company.
like I'm made to be so much more but I'm just me?
So it doesn't matter how offensive or loud my mistakes are because I could be screaming but NO ONE WOULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
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