Am I starving?

Caffeine has a way of making me not feel hungry. I haven't eaten since 8am but I'm not hungry. Really.

I know this isn't good for me because I need my body and my heart to run on actual nutrition, not a stimulant.

If I was really honest, I'd go home tonight and tell my mom that I didn't eat lunch or dinner yet but who knows if I'll actually say those words. I did see a really skinny girl today and I almost stopped right there on the sidewalk because I was so jealous of her. She wasn't anorexic skinny - just naturally-small-and-petite-Asian-thin skinny. Her clothes looked so nice on her. If my hand rests on my pouchy stomach, a feeling of revulsion starts to bubble in the back of my mind and I can't stop it. Clothes can only disguise so much. It's like the flab on my belly is a reminder of all the times I was miserable - so I ate. Or of all the times I wasn't being productive - so I ate. Or of all the times I was trying to find pleasure in something other than what I was forced to engage in - so I ate. It's a representation of all the times I thought I could control something but I gave it up for something so temporary. Sometimes I feel too guilty to eat. I don't make any money. I'm not a nice person. My grades are only okay. I'm probably not going to find work when I graduate. When my family isn't screaming about their disappointment at me, they don't care much about me holing myself up in that one room of the house. I shouldn't be fed. I shouldn't sit at the table. I should get the leftovers. I can't eat until I've made them proud. I can't eat until I know that they want me at the table. I can't eat until I find out if all the effort they put into trying to keep a family together is worth it to them. So it's during times like these I thank caffeine for staving off my hunger because I feel like it's not my mind forcing my body against my will the way certain mental disorders are supposed to work.

And then all of this is reinforced by the fact that my dad doesn't say I'm fat anymore and when people compliment me on losing weight and when I can lift up my shirt and not see something shake when I put my foot down.

If we were all skeletons, I wonder what we'd have to say about each other. Oh, that clavical's too broad. Her ulna is so delicate. His bones aren't as chalky as his brother's. Is it just me or are his femurs unequal??

For the record, I came home and had curry rice, pickled cucumbers, half an avocado, cookies and grape juice on top of the coffees and egg sandwich I already ate today. Could do better next time!