My thoughts are extremely useless.

I need to be sleeping but I feel like I started syncing-up with girls I only sleep with once a week, hence, I have lots to say.

Having free-will and a place to write doesn't mean anything in the end. Google might not end up ruling the world so who knows where these thoughts will go once the servers go down. I can share my URL with only 3 people but I still can't depend on consistent readership. These thoughts ARE pretty stupid though.

Regardless, I can't sleep until I write everything.

I was really disappointed when he said hi to the person next to me but not to me. It's bad because this was exactly what I knew would happen but didn't want to happen. Predicting that I'd get let down and having it happen hurts almost as badly as if I was expecting the best possible outcome from the get-go. 

I hate being disappointed. I hate feeling like I'm wrong and that it hurts to want community/niceness/friendship/real human interaction and not get it because.. I just don't get it! I like being alone sometimes so are people afraid of intruding in my space? Do they think I'll send them away? Do I look like I hate people? Does no one want to be my friend? Do I not deserve friends? Is this their way of saying I should be alone for the rest of my life? Is getting to know me of no benefit or interest to anyone at all?

-switching gears-

The concept of having faith is really odd. Did you realize that having “faith” is conceptually similar to the essence of what binds people together in relationships? It’s the foundation of what it means to be “faithful” to your significant other. Having faith means that I not only expect the s.o. to not hurt me, but also to enrich me. Having faith means I’ll go so far as to be “optimistic” about however the malleable future unfolds. Having faith means that I’m staking my whole life on a promise uttered only once.

I’m with you.

Having faith means I won’t worry about being abandoned or abused. Having faith means I won’t worry about some detail in my life that really only represents 1/N things to happen to me. Having faith means I won’t break my end of the promise just because the circumstances of my life become unfavorable.
I can’t do any of the above well. This is a/the reason why I should probably be single for the rest of my life but Jesus sought me anyway, with His life. And I pray my heart fills up to the point where there’s just no room left in my heart for me to worship or be in the presence of anything else.

-switching gears again-

Today's message about Joseph was really good. We might get caught in a pit and demand to be saved with a fiery hoard of angels and chariots like Elijah but sometimes, He's silent. But He isn't using the things done against us for harm's sake and tries to find a positive in it. He uses the things done against us for harm's sake in another plan of design and everything is redeemed.

To make that more relevant, I've been screaming in my head for the past few hours about the loneliness I feel and sometimes I buy into my own fantasy of some kind and beautiful soul reaching out to me in the corner of the room and everyone's jealous 'cause I've got the attention everyone else covets.

I'm so shallow.

And again, my devilish human nature's got me thinking that I've gotta start fixing myself up before I can understand and accept God's love in my head and my heart because loving me as I am is way too impossible a feat.

But that really is a slap in His face so I'm just gonna do what I normally do when someone tells me they'e got a crush on me (and I'm not disgusted by it):
lie in bed and smile.