I HATE EVERYTHING
April 27, 2014
payoff from slaving my ass off in this dumbass leadership class
"you are SO thorough and have a really great vocabulary.. so we are lucky that you've taken on a leadership role."
^Funny thing about the above screenshot is that I never wrote the word "everything" in any of the previous emails of this chain, which leads me to believe that this girl literally just wrote "everything" under "Rebecca Chen wrote:" AND THAT MAKES ME LAUGH HAHAHAH but this girl is really sweet and also a really hard worker and I can tell that she gets frustrated with me at the rest of the group that doesn't do shit.
April 26, 2014
ha. ha. ha.
apologies for getting snippy with anyone between now and graduation. i just have too much work to do and any vent i'm given is only gonna serve as a channel for my impatience and angst.
there's something about me really turns people off. it's probably the way i talk. sometimes all i want to say is "there's nothing wrong with that because the whole lot of them piss me off more."
who'd want to be friends with a person like that??
is this why i make friends so easily online?
actually, no. if i'm not really friends with someone, then i wouldn't talk to them in person or online. exclusive online-ness doesn't mean anything. the online-ness is just facilitated by me and another person's compatibility. if i'm not compatible with someone in person, then talking online isn't gonna help. but i'm never gonna know if the people i first talk to online would've really been friends with me if they'd met me in person. i've definitely speculated about this thought before with online friends: "if we'd met in person, do you think we would've even become friends?"
but that whole train of thought is completely useless anyway because what's to gain? nothing, aside from maybe a constant existential paranoia that accompanies a thoroughly cynical self-examination of my meager worth. what's to lose? a friendship wrought to ruin by my constant paranoia and my inability to believe that i'm a decent friendable person. this is why, several times a week, i'm so thankful for friends. they're the people whose arms i'm gonna run into first the moment i free myself from the confines of people i don't want to be around a second more than i have to. they give me a place to go. and at the moment, all i'm feeling is a need to get out.
there's something about me really turns people off. it's probably the way i talk. sometimes all i want to say is "there's nothing wrong with that because the whole lot of them piss me off more."
who'd want to be friends with a person like that??
is this why i make friends so easily online?
actually, no. if i'm not really friends with someone, then i wouldn't talk to them in person or online. exclusive online-ness doesn't mean anything. the online-ness is just facilitated by me and another person's compatibility. if i'm not compatible with someone in person, then talking online isn't gonna help. but i'm never gonna know if the people i first talk to online would've really been friends with me if they'd met me in person. i've definitely speculated about this thought before with online friends: "if we'd met in person, do you think we would've even become friends?"
but that whole train of thought is completely useless anyway because what's to gain? nothing, aside from maybe a constant existential paranoia that accompanies a thoroughly cynical self-examination of my meager worth. what's to lose? a friendship wrought to ruin by my constant paranoia and my inability to believe that i'm a decent friendable person. this is why, several times a week, i'm so thankful for friends. they're the people whose arms i'm gonna run into first the moment i free myself from the confines of people i don't want to be around a second more than i have to. they give me a place to go. and at the moment, all i'm feeling is a need to get out.
March 18, 2014
this break is too long.
i don't really expect anyone to keep reading this and i haven't updated this in about 4 months, which isn't as long as i thought! i do remember keeping a blogspot app on my phone to write down notes but i guess i got rid of it 4 months ago for some reason. i don't know who reads this anymore. i'm assuming nobody.
sometimes there are things i can't write anywhere else and normally i guess i'd write this in a journal but that takes way too long and my hand has a cramp from knitting. it's almost 6:30 and the sun is still really bright outside. this is my favorite time of the day and it comes later and later and lasts longer and longer.
it's nice to have a place like this to write without worrying about my reader's thoughts. to treat my tumblr like that is kinda irresponsible, in my opinion, especially since i want to be encouraging and interesting and overall likeable. i don't think it's exactly dishonest to hide that side of me from the world -- they can hear about it if they really want to (how? idk yet). but sharing that side of me should yield just as much as the positive, otherwise it's kind of useless. and if it's for myself, then why not write for my eyes only in a space like this? i'm assuming nobody reads this.
i've been feeling pretty good. i'm frustrated that ever since i lost my blogs, it's been so hard for me to start up again. my newest tumblr post was just a recycling of something older, but it's currently receiving attention that it didn't get last time, almost as if to say that the past was made up of something good. well, isn't that obvious though? i suppose it is! but the fact that i now have NO records of any of that progress anymore lends me to believe otherwise. this is the problem with memory.
it's been hard to create and like i said earlier, the only thing i've been doing is knitting, which might be symbolic in and of itself. repetitive motions, but each row kinda looks different when my goal of it is to try and make everything look the same as the past. i have a goal in mind that won't be completed until i knit and purl the very last row, but in this case, i'm not even the one who gets to decide that: the amount of yarn i have left does. it sort of hurts my hand. it's supposed to be functional and i reeeally hope i don't mess it up but warm weather is approaching so who's gonna need it? it's made out of thick yarn too, which is only gonna look warmer.
^lol. look warmer.
i'm bored. this break is too long. i'm not struggling but i have a bunch of mild worries, like getting all A's in my classes or if i've fallen behind anywhere. i have an exam next wednesday but i'm not motivated to study. i have planet earth next monday and i wanna take better notes this time around but i hate that class so much and i keep missing stupid iclicker points. i'm a little bit jealous of l and b talking, but honestly, i'm so thankful that it's only a little bit. this is nothing at all like what would happen in my last relationship where i'd fidget and become restless and anxious and agitated because i didn't trust what was going on at all.
to be intimate. doesn't happen with the sex. starts with something before it when you give someone access to something that's normally offlimits to everyone. adultery and affairs start when you tell someone other than your partner "i've never told anyone that before in my life." thinking back on this, if i'm not careful, i'll end up doing that. i've probably already done that idk i haven't been paying attention! but it's great to save something for someone else exclusively. and it's equally terrible to find out that that something isn't just for you alone.
i'm okay i'm okay i'm okay. i've thought about running but i don't have anywhere to run to. this isn't the same as last summer where i was running to get fit and just be happier. i'm sorta happy i think. and sorta depressed. i'm nonchalant. i'm bored. and inactive. and when i think about the world around me spinning and spinning, i feel like dying. not in an amused way. but literally dying. because i wouldn't be up to much else. right now i'm just a fat thing consuming calories, converting energy into fat, converting o2 to co2 and using electricity. i'm waiting for people to talk to me. i hate touching myself.
and like that, these thoughts are suddenly so negative! "it doesn't take much for an event to turn into an unfortunate event." this i know. nothing is set. nothing is planned. i plan for nothing. if you fail to plan, you plan to fail? whatever.
it was nice ranting like this to myself. i'm tired of this world. if someone shot me in the back right now, i wouldn't cry that much about it.
sometimes there are things i can't write anywhere else and normally i guess i'd write this in a journal but that takes way too long and my hand has a cramp from knitting. it's almost 6:30 and the sun is still really bright outside. this is my favorite time of the day and it comes later and later and lasts longer and longer.
it's nice to have a place like this to write without worrying about my reader's thoughts. to treat my tumblr like that is kinda irresponsible, in my opinion, especially since i want to be encouraging and interesting and overall likeable. i don't think it's exactly dishonest to hide that side of me from the world -- they can hear about it if they really want to (how? idk yet). but sharing that side of me should yield just as much as the positive, otherwise it's kind of useless. and if it's for myself, then why not write for my eyes only in a space like this? i'm assuming nobody reads this.
i've been feeling pretty good. i'm frustrated that ever since i lost my blogs, it's been so hard for me to start up again. my newest tumblr post was just a recycling of something older, but it's currently receiving attention that it didn't get last time, almost as if to say that the past was made up of something good. well, isn't that obvious though? i suppose it is! but the fact that i now have NO records of any of that progress anymore lends me to believe otherwise. this is the problem with memory.
it's been hard to create and like i said earlier, the only thing i've been doing is knitting, which might be symbolic in and of itself. repetitive motions, but each row kinda looks different when my goal of it is to try and make everything look the same as the past. i have a goal in mind that won't be completed until i knit and purl the very last row, but in this case, i'm not even the one who gets to decide that: the amount of yarn i have left does. it sort of hurts my hand. it's supposed to be functional and i reeeally hope i don't mess it up but warm weather is approaching so who's gonna need it? it's made out of thick yarn too, which is only gonna look warmer.
^lol. look warmer.
i'm bored. this break is too long. i'm not struggling but i have a bunch of mild worries, like getting all A's in my classes or if i've fallen behind anywhere. i have an exam next wednesday but i'm not motivated to study. i have planet earth next monday and i wanna take better notes this time around but i hate that class so much and i keep missing stupid iclicker points. i'm a little bit jealous of l and b talking, but honestly, i'm so thankful that it's only a little bit. this is nothing at all like what would happen in my last relationship where i'd fidget and become restless and anxious and agitated because i didn't trust what was going on at all.
to be intimate. doesn't happen with the sex. starts with something before it when you give someone access to something that's normally offlimits to everyone. adultery and affairs start when you tell someone other than your partner "i've never told anyone that before in my life." thinking back on this, if i'm not careful, i'll end up doing that. i've probably already done that idk i haven't been paying attention! but it's great to save something for someone else exclusively. and it's equally terrible to find out that that something isn't just for you alone.
i'm okay i'm okay i'm okay. i've thought about running but i don't have anywhere to run to. this isn't the same as last summer where i was running to get fit and just be happier. i'm sorta happy i think. and sorta depressed. i'm nonchalant. i'm bored. and inactive. and when i think about the world around me spinning and spinning, i feel like dying. not in an amused way. but literally dying. because i wouldn't be up to much else. right now i'm just a fat thing consuming calories, converting energy into fat, converting o2 to co2 and using electricity. i'm waiting for people to talk to me. i hate touching myself.
and like that, these thoughts are suddenly so negative! "it doesn't take much for an event to turn into an unfortunate event." this i know. nothing is set. nothing is planned. i plan for nothing. if you fail to plan, you plan to fail? whatever.
it was nice ranting like this to myself. i'm tired of this world. if someone shot me in the back right now, i wouldn't cry that much about it.
November 11, 2013
October 28, 2013
October 23, 2013
cohesion vs adhesion
what if you liked someone but before making it official, the other person died? you get invited to the funeral. do you go? you go and you see the parents. do you say anything? let's say you journal. what do you write 3 hours after hearing the news? 3 days after hearing the news? 3 months? 3 years? people in the mean time, who know you liked that person, ask you how you're feeling. can you even feel? do you want to keep feeling? do you want to stop feeling? 3 years pass. do you still think about that person? do you have hope? do you live and walk the streets thinking that the smiling laughing faces to appear around the corner are ugly or do you find them beautiful? flash back to the night you hear the news. you're brushing your teeth and looking at your face in the mirror. it's the face everyone else sees. are your eyes alive? can you see your peripherals? your eyes can't focus on anything; there's no need for peripherals. you lie in bed. your hands are folded. it's time to pray. what do you say? you sleep. you dream against your best intentions. and then you wake up again.
i'm not sure if i regret that. i'm not sure i'm not sure i'm not sure.
what if you liked someone but before making it official, the other person died? you get invited to the funeral. do you go? you go and you see the parents. do you say anything? let's say you journal. what do you write 3 hours after hearing the news? 3 days after hearing the news? 3 months? 3 years? people in the mean time, who know you liked that person, ask you how you're feeling. can you even feel? do you want to keep feeling? do you want to stop feeling? 3 years pass. do you still think about that person? do you have hope? do you live and walk the streets thinking that the smiling laughing faces to appear around the corner are ugly or do you find them beautiful? flash back to the night you hear the news. you're brushing your teeth and looking at your face in the mirror. it's the face everyone else sees. are your eyes alive? can you see your peripherals? your eyes can't focus on anything; there's no need for peripherals. you lie in bed. your hands are folded. it's time to pray. what do you say? you sleep. you dream against your best intentions. and then you wake up again.
i'm not sure if i regret that. i'm not sure i'm not sure i'm not sure.
October 7, 2013
ugh
that feeling when you have to make stuff and you're not proud of any if it (not ashamed, just not proud)
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