a revelation came to me a while ago that "even if i __________, but don't love, then i'm nothing." 1 corinthians 13.
and that includes defending the word when i'm talking to friends who aren't christian.
and then it hits me that i wasn't practicing wisdom tonight. wisdom is that bridge between love and truth. and according to paul, even with his head full of all that theology, love is still the first thing we should talk about with our mouths and enact with our bodies and i totally failed that. i just kept thinking "why do i have to be an ISFP?" "why are my answers super longwinded and extravagant? why can't i customize how i talk to how i know you listen/receive information the best?" "why am i a fail comm major?" "why AM i caring so much about stupid details that don't mean shit?"
but i KNOW love doesn't condone sin. love doesn't condone blasphemy. love doesn't condone misinterpretation of scripture. love doesn't mean lack of discipline and endless flexibility (and i can't get rid of the scent of "compromise" that word has all over it). love doesn't allow you erroneously extract what you like from the bible and what you don't like from the bible and mix it with worldly/secular knowledge just to make sense to the rest of the world (and to you in particular).
love is patient, kind, doesn't boast/envy/show off. bears all things, keeps no record of wrong. NOT SELF SEEKING. NOT EASILY ANGERED. rejoices in truth. always hopes/trusts/protects/perseveres.
i have failed to love. and being a highstrung college student on a rampant warpath for straight A's - the sting of failure is a hefty wound to my ego that's continually getting bashed upon. i need to get rid of it.
how can i be a flexible christian? is that even right? my first impulse is to check what the bible says about that - is that counter-intuitive already? am i breaking the first step of "how to not be a closeminded biblethumping believer of God" without even noticing it? am i a lost cause?
a separate unrelated friend reminded me: you can't tell someone what to think. you cant tell someone what they believe in is "right" or "wrong." For fuck sakes, someone can tell me we're actually all from the planet jello. But hey whatever flows their boat. as long as no one is trying to shove their believe down my thratt I'm all for it. chill the hell out.
but despite what anyone says, i can't be like peter who would be so quick to deny knowing jesus three times over (in my case, i've probably done it more than that). peter denied to guarantee his safety in this dark time (in my case, i'd be sacrificing what i believe to be the inherent truth of God to stay on good terms with people/avoid being on bad terms). peter betrayed jesus. he was a traitor. he put jesus on that cross. and i'm just doing that all over again. and for people who don't know jesus like i do, they don't understand how gravely offensive and near impossible it is for me to deny the creator of the universe in this fashion.
and yet, i probably made him hate christianity all the more now. (i wonder if he knew that that would be a blow to me when he said it.)
i think i just lost a friend. i think i'm stunned. i think the world just got a little bit bigger and a lot more quieter. i'm a lot stupider than i was before. did i mature at all? seems like i haven't.
if only i got less mad at the world! i don't even know what to pray for.
i'd like my friend's forgiveness but i feel like he won't give it.
i'd like God's forgiveness but i feel like i'm not even worthy enough to ask for that. i know that confessing my sins and knowing where how and why i've fallen short of the glory of God and that the everflowing overwhelming love of Jesus pardons my error, but i still feel like he should punish me.
and all the while, i wonder what the devil has been doing.
hell is supposedly a place without God (or more specifically, a place without God's grace or mercy). i don't want anyone to go there.
and all i can do is apologize! for being mean. for not showing love.
but do i apologize for not compromising on my convictions? (i could go on a whole separate rant about the techniques that hindered any understanding between me and him but thinking about all of this is paralyzing me so i won't.) do i apologize for putting the bible above people? i mean, where's the line? can the two even be prioritized this way?
No comments:
Post a Comment