my introvert tendencies fluctuate up and down as often as my fingers have to pick up from the homekeys in order to press down on other letters and bring something that resembles a sentence to life.
with that said, i can't recall the last time i just felt like i didn't want to know people anymore. i don't feel lonely. i don't need someone to talk to. i don't need people to check up on me because usually that just irritates me and when i have a problem, i usually don't wanna think about it/talk about it.
but it's funny because i can clearly recall times i desired human contact. because i was lonely. because i needed someone to talk to and listen. because i kept hopelessly hoping that so-and-so (hypothetical example - no real person in mind) would check up on me and just showed that they cared.
then i take a look around at the people around me and decide, again, that it's not really worth getting to know them anymore or letting them get to know me. they all have crap going on and a lot of the times, it's just their own head stuck up inside this opaque cloud of self deprecating smoke that they find pleasing to smell despite the fact that it's a total obstruction of vision.
however, i did talk to a friend recently about people he just didn't, couldn't, wouldn't, get along with. it's not like i'm the queen of masterful communication, but in every example he gave, i was thinking: well i would've done _____ ... and it would've gone a lot better for me, lulz.
but he called that compassion? because i wasn't snippy snappy and impatient and always hell-bent on finding the solutions to problems and letting just the presentation of the problem be enough of an event itself.
but nah man, i get snippy pretty often. and often times, i never talk about solutions because i don't have any and usually anything i suggest isn't that great anyway.
not calling anyone pathetic or weak ... but there's not much else i can call you if you're stuck in a season of grieving and you're aware of it and you just sit there in your grievances grieving about grieving and never doing anything to get better.
that brings me to my next point, albeit a tangent: how could God really love a people like this?
i was watching a video and somebody said "so-and-so deserves to be loved."
and that got me thinking.
does anyone deserve to be loved?
hell no.
the way i see it, being loved is a good thing. but guess what else are good things? shelter. straight A's. a bed. the freedom of speech.
they're all nice things and we feel entitled to have them and all the other pleasures of the world.
but when you were born into this world, aside from your parents preparing to lay aside some resources for your survival - were you really guaranteed any of the above? is it your right to own a house or a car or a friend or lover? we may be "hard-wired" for connection but is it scripted in our DNA that unless we achieve this and this and this, there's no way of attaining fulfillment or personal satisfaction? (that almost leads me to another tangent about the value of pursuing happiness as the end goal of life but i'll save that for later since i'm still thinking about it)
no one deserves to be loved.
"deserves" is such a logical sounding word, like a word specifically chosen to present an obvious conclusion after a statement of facts and premises. but if "deserves" dictates our just rewards based on what we do, then we deserve nothing because no one's done anything at all. it's really an emotional argument that takes greater advantage of this word and makes people suddenly realize that there's a gap in their life and a void in their happiness and that stupid word "deserves" just creates a need to find something we ought to have despite what we already have. (another tangent: after my ex broke up with me, people kept telling me "it's okay because you deserve better." "you were too good for him." AND ALL OF THAT IS BAD STUFF TO SAY because you were all just making me feel like i wasted hella lot of time with a douchebag who didn't "deserve" whatever good i brought to the table. mind you- i wasn't perfect either so what gives. also, i'm still have mild issues with all the people who already had an opinion of how much he sucked and KNEW things about him that he'd end up never telling me and i'd have to find out on my own after the fact BUT STILL kept it to themselves. yeah thanks guys. thanks for the accountability and stuff. totally saving my skin.)
i sorta apologize for the nihilistic tone this post is taking but i'm gonna bring in the good news soon.
i once heard on a bus that a lot of people have beef with Christians because it seems like Christians are applying their morals onto a set of people who have a different set of morals. actually, it's not so much a difference in morals but a matter of principle, or how we actually go about living those ideals out. it doesn't work to tell a nonchristian that they're sinning if they think they're a good person and that they've done nothing bad enough to warrant eternity in hell.
so i'm not sure how this tenant of my belief is gonna actually sound "good" but God still loves you.
and the driving fact of the matter is that we didn't deserve it. He chose to love you and me.
so in the end, i still stand by the fact that no one deserves to be loved. if you don't feel like you're loved and that you've been denied of your birthright, then you need to check your privileges. but know this - there's someone who went out of their way to actively pursue and love you. and that matters so much more!
but even if you don't think you have access to God and His love and want to feel love anyway, try doing some good for others. expressing gratification works miracles in others and in us and i don't think that's a mistake in God's design.
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