let me start with the crying. i'm saner and a lot more calm now so i can say it's not your fault that you looked like my ex. it's that same condescending look involves raising one eyebrow and having a mind made up that doesn't really want to listen to me anymore because it's the look that reveals you think you're 100% right and there's no real room for conversation on the matter. and before you say anything more, i am not "not over" my ex. i AM over it. i have over it for a damn long time already. but i can recognize something i don't like when i see it and feel it. i can recognize something i have difficulty reacting to but it's not entirely my fault if i haven't figured out a socially acceptable way of responding to it yet. i actually think it's rather wise of me to be able to discern when these kinda feelings happen or else i'd just end up falling into the same sort of trap that caught me and ruined me the first time around. guess you could call the tears a defense mechanism of sorts.
but i know that i don't want to be mean. you're right and completely valid about your point with the condescending/maliciousness tone you detected and even though i have reasons for it, none of that excuses how i made you feel. that's not a reflection of Christ at all.
however, if we keep going on the topic of personal brokenness, i just need to make a comment, as redundant as it may already sound to you: you're no paragon of grace or kindness or patience either. being talked down to by YOU of all people about how to handle a social situation in a lighter and more graceful manner shouldn't be happening. when you said those kinda things to me, i just couldn't even reply because i was just so torn between "yeah you have a point" and "i will NOT take this kind of crap from you, you hypocrite." i'm not gonna let you or your ccf eyes or that expression that looks like my ex's turn me into a doormat for you to just tell me you feel bad about something and have that be the end all be all of the situation.
you're right - i could've handled it better. i'm not gonna dismiss all of your feelings because i hate how i might've done something to make you meditate on it for a week (unnecessarily so!). but i can totally see how and why people like a and n left this church just because they couldn't see eye to eye with you.
but before i make this whole thing about you and your flaws, i guess the least i can do is accept how badly i made you feel and at least apologize for that much. you asked me to not try and do that again but i'm gonna havta request the same of you.
honestly though, what else am i supposed to say? i don't think i ever smh about that situation as much as that one, and in church of all places.
but on another topic: not sure if we're friends or not. not gonna lie - your narcissistic introverted thing that you use to explain your lazy and partial way of interacting with the people around you doesn't fly with me. think about this: right before you talked to me, i saw you step around me, shake hands with someone else, introduce your friend to him and not me, glance at me, and give me a half-nod. like wtf. it was like you didn't want to talk so why would i receive you well? i respect you but that's as far as i think i wanna go withyou.
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