but like honestly though

it just feels so bad right now
and i want to talk to       but
i shouldn't
for reasons
that i respect
, care about
, make sense to me
,
but before then, until then
im left to hold all these things inside
like babies i didnt want
God forbid an abortion.
and no one reads this
but it's not like i'll ask
because i don't want to ask
but i want to be known
"no one's a mind reader"
which is why i thank God i have God
but this is actually
really
wow
a little
overbearing

but just for right now

i need help too

ha ha God help me
this is just a little too intense right now
so i'm gonna start changing the subject
and i probably don't need to talk about how my classes went well or how great my nail polish is or how fab this ring looks on my right ring finger.
i'm gonna talk about
a good time
a healed time
aka the future
when everything's okay
and everyone's happy
because happiness is important
AND I HOPE I NEVER FORGET THAT
or try to use reason to say it's not
but even in my tiredness, i definitely don't care for happiness that much.

i don't even know who to talk to. someone who knows nothing? someone who knows a little bit?

but seriously,
if i don't say anything to someone
then i'm literally gonna just
be in silence
and no one will know.

ALSO
it's hard but in some ways almost easier to just be left in my own silence here in japan. because guess what, no one else speaks english. they can't cope.
also, the japanese way of coping is unfulfilling to me.
they definitely don't resonate with feelings enough but mind you, whenever they talk to me, it's like, a LOT different from the kinds of talks theyd usually have with people. also, i often am around the most japanese people at work, which isn't the most appropriate place for feelings.
i miss my friends.

i miss my friends.
i wish they were in japan. i can't talk about things to other people because the biggest problem is that they don't register feelings in the right caliber as me. i feel myself explaining to them and trying my hardest to phrase thing sin a way so they just don't judge.

i also know why people act out. i really get it. rebecca, you get it. don't ever think that you don't again.
people act out because it feels great. i act out because i've been stifled for a while. it feels good to just do that thing you told yourself you weren't allowed to do. that you couldn't do. and then afterwards just be like, ha that wasn't so bad. im still alive. im' fine.
i'm not even talking about like, really bad things. but things like EATING CARBS. ugh.

and i often counter this in my head with questions like "where's your self control, rebecca."

those are really ineffective.

anyway, i'm probably pmsing. i can't breathe that well. the air feels funny when i breathe. my eyes often go out of focus sometimes at work. nothing here is really demanding a constant laser beam focus, but instead slowly pulling bits of it away. like static electricity.

this has been a long rant and a post to no one. thanks.

if i'm not careful, i could get stressed tfo.

by being surrounded by negativity.

i'm talking about the things other people are going through and how it's all starting to accumualte. most of this negativity isn't in any way directed towards me, but some of it probably is. i sound self deprecating when i say that, but i'm just talking about the effort it takes for someone to even talk, let alone talk to me. and people tell me things because i ask. and i ask because i care.

and for some reason, i find myself almost lunging out there with more care than usual because something doesn't feel right. in the air. in my stomach when i'm just sitting. in my head when i quickly scroll through a blog. in my fingers when i see a "____ is typing..." for a long long long time. something don't feel right. like puzzle pieces you're trying to force together that just need to be rotated a bit.

like things that have an easy solution but it's so difficult to see it.

like things that are precariously positioned on a teetering mountain top because from this point forward, everything matters and i want to just reassure people to take it slow and breathe and not make a big deal of things. stop talking about it to death. stop only talking about the bad parts you remember. stop always falling back into your habits and forgetting everything you learned in between.

but maybe that's what's important? maybe they should make an even bigger deal of things. maybe this all requires some late nights staying up, sweating and crying, like the most difficult assignment you ever had.

i don't even remember difficult assignments anymore! a lot of what i remember was just tedious. stick to it, daily, faithfully, and you'll wear that mountain back down into a sandcastle. don't give up. just put out the energy you've been giving. nothing more. definitely nothing less. watch your consistency pay off.

but what if that doesn't work? what if the limit of that just reaches no where. you can only dig so deep into a mountain with a shovel before you have to call in the machines. the big guns. like a dentist drill, but a million times more painful and not meant for the human mouth.

i don't know what's going on. we all need help. we all need counseling. the place for Jesus to come is so clear. the Bible needs to be read. people need to be praying. people are waiting, but what are they waiting for?

i need to talk to someone and the best candidate is God. tonight he and i are gonna have a pretty long session. i hope i come to him as prepared as i can be.

one of those days when you look in a mirror

and think, eh this will do

feeling productive when I blog
that feeling when you wonder how someone is doing
feeling like I wish I had someone to talk to

hey God

everyone that goes through you comes out better than before, because you suck that much.
im not even mad
it's just a fact i take huge amusement in saying

one of those days where you realize why you don't have more friends

this is why you need to mean to the things you say

I mean, I guess it's fine if I'm alone?

Remove qualifiers:

It's fine if I'm alone.

^Not true.

I was about to tell a friend that I wasn't feeling too great, but then those words alone didn't feel accurate enough so I continued to add "pessimistic" and "self deprecating" but that last one seems a bit too strong...

In the pursuit of accuracy, I dug holes too deep with my language. Three minutes ago, I wasn't feeling quite this bad.

But I don't think I have anyone to tell this to. In any case, no humans.

And the very thing I want to talk about is just how it feels like there's nobody there.

Actually, that's not true. This is the feeling I get when I see people pull away from me. Is it just in my head?

I want to use my energy to say hi to as many people as possible, but when I stop doing anything, who's going to be there?

Doesn't make sense to be in a relationship if I don't do anything, so I'm not planning on that. Relationships don't happen if we don't happen.

They just seem really........... futile and fragile. Like, a risk to invest in (and already I can hear some idiot say "we all need to take risks").

This is one of those moments where I think about the " we do our own believing and dying alone " and focus on the alone part first, and then the dying.

Sending a vibe to heaven and hoping to hear a reply.