i need to stop this
haha okay i guess it’s undeniably yet sickenly true that the heart is pretty predictable and soaking in that acknowledgement about myself is such a huge source of shame. what a misfortune. i am so disgusting. smh. harakiri - let’s go.
//just kidding.//changing topics (but i really shouldn’t have done that/let myself do that - is there really a difference?)//
there’s a tiredness i can’t get rid of by blinking (aka repetitively stuttering/flashing an alternate reality before my eyes) because my butt is falling asleep and painfully reminding me that i am seated in this world and that i belong to this world and that my growing pains are rooted in this world and the shriveling cloud of smoke that’s supposed to be my soul can’t reach heaven from here [so pray pray pray]. my retainers are in and i’ve reduced my vocalics to nothing more than gutterances but like, whatever, because no one’s around. i was pretty happy before and even though i can’t say that now, i’m not gonna label this as a mood swing.
there are days you know will come up that will be unlike any other you’ve ever had before.
it’s like knowing a present’s about to show up on your doorstep because you’ve had email notifications everyday for the past week fill up your inbox, accompanied with flash animation and noises, if you allow all images from this sender to be shown. actually, that’s also how periods show up too. but a day extrapolated from the mundanaeity of barely-hanging-on and a creed to just-get-through-it amounts to a whole bunch of regret for me on the day that i die, which shouldn’t be a noticeable transition from the lackluster hours of feelings alacking i remember finding myself submerged in.
but i feel like i’m currently caught up in a moment. if cliffs could breathe, i’d be stuck in the inhale (it looks like the cave aang and zuko camped out in during the snow storm, except it’s not winter). maturity isn’t going to wait any longer and i better bear this burden now or forever be scorned by my parents and the adults at my church and my sisters (yet i somehow can’t add ‘friends’ to this list because the real ones are somehow more accepting of me than any one else??). that cliff is about to retch me out into the sea and i have 3 seconds of accelerated plummeting through the salty air to learn how to swim. i can no longer deny that i am no longer a child even though my thoughts are filled with “did i do this right? did i hurt someone’s feelings? am i liked? am i loved? am i comfortable? does this hurt? am i happy?” - all of which are thoughts five year olds know the answers to.
10 page paper due tomorrow. driving test tomorrow (maybe gaining more freedom tomorrow?). final exam for a class i need to get an A in is tomorrow. semester coming to an end tomorrow. watching my dog get bigger and learn to love me more tomorrow. slowly repairing and healing my relationship with my sister tomorrow. meeting up with a friend who isn’t christian tomorrow because she invited me and thought about me and asked if i was at school when i wasn’t and told me it’d be nice to hang out tomorrow. hopefully i’ll be falling asleep in a less lonely fashion even though i’m really-pleasantly-and-surprisingly-okay-right-now-but-that’s-because-i’m-procrastinating tomorrow. with the summer approaching, i’ll be realizing that i’m ever closer to the legal drinking age and what that means in terms of who i’ll (choose to) be hanging out with more tomorrow. coming to terms with my senses and all that extends into the sixth dimension and beyond tomorrow. achieving a higher level of self awareness and self actualization in the limited-broadcasted rematch between my head and heart tomorrow. frigging epistrophes for the win, and all these things are significant in the transformation of my being as the disappointing and failed child of the star-maker trying to find new and everlasting meaning to the truth i’ve been given and accepted.
and do you know what’s funny? i know (and i probably shouldn’t lest i fall into the fallibility known as the self fulfilling prophecy) one of my friends has been praying for me to mature. i haven’t been keeping a record of how greatly my spirit has been bloated and starved but i am a spoiled brat and i should probably pray that prayer to make my life more difficult for the sake of shedding some guilt of knowing that my life is a hell of a lot easier than others and i don’t deserve it but i don’t wanna do that yet.
so during those 3 seconds of falling, where and what am i supposed to learn? who will teach me? the seagulls?
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