Don't yell.

It's hard to talk about the influences of my family to people who can put a face on the individuals that make up my blood-relations. Even though I've gotten a little better at identifying the M&M pieces in the bag of grainy, difficult-to-swallow granola that are my life lessons, I can't help but feel like tossing it all away when I see others enjoy ice cream instead. They have it so nice.

But things could definitely be worse; I could be forcefed gruel and cilantro salads. And there's no way anyone gets anywhere without griping at least once so I need to dispel the illusion I have about others' lives being better and sweeter sooner than later.

A friend shared an article on facebook about "the important thing about yelling" and reading it made me want to cry. Anger is admittedly an issue I have to confront more and more often within myself because I might have been 1. predisposed with the genetic inclination to opt for more hostile ways of reacting and 2. exposed to countless examples of how raging out of control was the only appropriate way to react to situations of stress.

^Neither of these things are any excuse for a change I want to happen within myself.

He flipped out at me recently. Everything he said was warranted. I don't have the freedom I think I do to keep messing up.

But:

I said things like, “It’s just chocolate syrup. You can wipe it up, and the counter will be as good as new.”(Instead of expelling an exasperated sigh and an eye roll for good measure.)

I offered to hold the broom while she swept up a sea of Cheerios that covered the floor.
(Instead of standing over her with a look of disapproval and utter annoyance.)

I helped her think through where she might have set down her glasses.

(Instead of shaming her for being so irresponsible.)

I would like to be a parent who can do all of the above but I am a poor witness of any transformative grace to my friends and much less so to my family. I want to believe that I fall back into old patterns and tendencies and habits because the situations around me called for it and these are just my natural defense mechanisms... but that's just a cop-out for alluding to the fact that I have much less self-control than I'd like and in the end, I'm always too concerned about my own welfare. Sin triumphs again?

I don't think I should've been taught about the id, ego and superego in high school because admitting that my id is at the forefront of my personality is so lame and no one likes Freud. The concept is pretty basic though: make your greedy and selfish (and hopefully unwanted) behaviors a person you can dissociate from your real self aka the person you actually want to be. Suddenly there's no more shame because the person who stonewalls and rolls their eyes and lies isn't the real me. I'm still a work in progress so you'll have to excuse that Rebecca that comes out every so often - she's planning on growing up real soon.

I have to tell myself that I'm not better than anyone else. I don't have it more figured out than anyone else. I'm liable to make many grave errors and enough ingratiatingly small ones to make anyone abandon me for the betterment of their sanity. The latter is scarier because those mistakes are the ones I don't catch myself making and I'm not really that bad of a person - just too insignificantly ordinary and petty to deal with for the long run.

Do you care or are you bored?