i love life

but sometimes it's too hard to keep going on

Sometimes it seems so cruel to me that time never stops to take a break, and doesn't wait for anyone.

calmed down

ate 6 kitkats
and now a pack of digestive cookies
man, these are bland

but like honestly though

it just feels so bad right now
and i want to talk to       but
i shouldn't
for reasons
that i respect
, care about
, make sense to me
,
but before then, until then
im left to hold all these things inside
like babies i didnt want
God forbid an abortion.
and no one reads this
but it's not like i'll ask
because i don't want to ask
but i want to be known
"no one's a mind reader"
which is why i thank God i have God
but this is actually
really
wow
a little
overbearing

but just for right now

i need help too

ha ha God help me
this is just a little too intense right now
so i'm gonna start changing the subject
and i probably don't need to talk about how my classes went well or how great my nail polish is or how fab this ring looks on my right ring finger.
i'm gonna talk about
a good time
a healed time
aka the future
when everything's okay
and everyone's happy
because happiness is important
AND I HOPE I NEVER FORGET THAT
or try to use reason to say it's not
but even in my tiredness, i definitely don't care for happiness that much.

i don't even know who to talk to. someone who knows nothing? someone who knows a little bit?

but seriously,
if i don't say anything to someone
then i'm literally gonna just
be in silence
and no one will know.

ALSO
it's hard but in some ways almost easier to just be left in my own silence here in japan. because guess what, no one else speaks english. they can't cope.
also, the japanese way of coping is unfulfilling to me.
they definitely don't resonate with feelings enough but mind you, whenever they talk to me, it's like, a LOT different from the kinds of talks theyd usually have with people. also, i often am around the most japanese people at work, which isn't the most appropriate place for feelings.
i miss my friends.

i miss my friends.
i wish they were in japan. i can't talk about things to other people because the biggest problem is that they don't register feelings in the right caliber as me. i feel myself explaining to them and trying my hardest to phrase thing sin a way so they just don't judge.

i also know why people act out. i really get it. rebecca, you get it. don't ever think that you don't again.
people act out because it feels great. i act out because i've been stifled for a while. it feels good to just do that thing you told yourself you weren't allowed to do. that you couldn't do. and then afterwards just be like, ha that wasn't so bad. im still alive. im' fine.
i'm not even talking about like, really bad things. but things like EATING CARBS. ugh.

and i often counter this in my head with questions like "where's your self control, rebecca."

those are really ineffective.

anyway, i'm probably pmsing. i can't breathe that well. the air feels funny when i breathe. my eyes often go out of focus sometimes at work. nothing here is really demanding a constant laser beam focus, but instead slowly pulling bits of it away. like static electricity.

this has been a long rant and a post to no one. thanks.

if i'm not careful, i could get stressed tfo.

by being surrounded by negativity.

i'm talking about the things other people are going through and how it's all starting to accumualte. most of this negativity isn't in any way directed towards me, but some of it probably is. i sound self deprecating when i say that, but i'm just talking about the effort it takes for someone to even talk, let alone talk to me. and people tell me things because i ask. and i ask because i care.

and for some reason, i find myself almost lunging out there with more care than usual because something doesn't feel right. in the air. in my stomach when i'm just sitting. in my head when i quickly scroll through a blog. in my fingers when i see a "____ is typing..." for a long long long time. something don't feel right. like puzzle pieces you're trying to force together that just need to be rotated a bit.

like things that have an easy solution but it's so difficult to see it.

like things that are precariously positioned on a teetering mountain top because from this point forward, everything matters and i want to just reassure people to take it slow and breathe and not make a big deal of things. stop talking about it to death. stop only talking about the bad parts you remember. stop always falling back into your habits and forgetting everything you learned in between.

but maybe that's what's important? maybe they should make an even bigger deal of things. maybe this all requires some late nights staying up, sweating and crying, like the most difficult assignment you ever had.

i don't even remember difficult assignments anymore! a lot of what i remember was just tedious. stick to it, daily, faithfully, and you'll wear that mountain back down into a sandcastle. don't give up. just put out the energy you've been giving. nothing more. definitely nothing less. watch your consistency pay off.

but what if that doesn't work? what if the limit of that just reaches no where. you can only dig so deep into a mountain with a shovel before you have to call in the machines. the big guns. like a dentist drill, but a million times more painful and not meant for the human mouth.

i don't know what's going on. we all need help. we all need counseling. the place for Jesus to come is so clear. the Bible needs to be read. people need to be praying. people are waiting, but what are they waiting for?

i need to talk to someone and the best candidate is God. tonight he and i are gonna have a pretty long session. i hope i come to him as prepared as i can be.

one of those days when you look in a mirror

and think, eh this will do

feeling productive when I blog
that feeling when you wonder how someone is doing
feeling like I wish I had someone to talk to

hey God

everyone that goes through you comes out better than before, because you suck that much.
im not even mad
it's just a fact i take huge amusement in saying

one of those days where you realize why you don't have more friends

this is why you need to mean to the things you say

I mean, I guess it's fine if I'm alone?

Remove qualifiers:

It's fine if I'm alone.

^Not true.

I was about to tell a friend that I wasn't feeling too great, but then those words alone didn't feel accurate enough so I continued to add "pessimistic" and "self deprecating" but that last one seems a bit too strong...

In the pursuit of accuracy, I dug holes too deep with my language. Three minutes ago, I wasn't feeling quite this bad.

But I don't think I have anyone to tell this to. In any case, no humans.

And the very thing I want to talk about is just how it feels like there's nobody there.

Actually, that's not true. This is the feeling I get when I see people pull away from me. Is it just in my head?

I want to use my energy to say hi to as many people as possible, but when I stop doing anything, who's going to be there?

Doesn't make sense to be in a relationship if I don't do anything, so I'm not planning on that. Relationships don't happen if we don't happen.

They just seem really........... futile and fragile. Like, a risk to invest in (and already I can hear some idiot say "we all need to take risks").

This is one of those moments where I think about the " we do our own believing and dying alone " and focus on the alone part first, and then the dying.

Sending a vibe to heaven and hoping to hear a reply.

Who am I becoming?

I don't exactly know for sure.

Things that should satisfy me are not. I keep noticing how they're lacking. Not quite of the quality I need.

So much can happen, so I'm gonna go out and do something about it, starting with the nursing home.

Like thank you for that bit that sustains me. I'm gonna need nourishment again but I don't want to be needy. It'd be easier if you didn't need to care about me. Who would want to feed the mouth of the insatiable and picky?

Ha ha. where are these thoughts coming from? period will probably happen soon.

said this to a friend, but it's true that in my experience, my mom bothered me with "did you eat yet?" everyday. but as I've come to understand that as her way of loving me, I find myself asking that to people too.

another friend made a profound point: would you ever tell me I'm fat to my face? no? then don't do it to yourself either!

I would never tell anyone they're undeserving of love, so why am I believing the very opposite of what I want to give me hope? Is it truly because I think the cry of my sin-saturated heart is stronger than the glory of God?

I wonder just how strong I am. Better some hours than others. If I think about loneliness and isolation too much, then I'll begin to apply that to myself too.

I'm not pitiable. I have too much time and spare energy on my hands. It's time to do something uncomfortable.

I still carry a lot of burdens from my last relationship, but I don't think I'm the same person anymore and I'm not sure when this happened. Not sure if I exactly like this version of me and I'm kind of concerned if other people like me anymore too.

Promises aren't so easy to keep.

but even given this, God will love me with a love this dumb test can't describe. He will break through this.

godly people

I know the type and I can recall the feeling I get even I encounter one. they're like a whole other breed of person and immediately wonder how they got to that point in life and everything they happened in the moments before they met me. how extraordinary and intense it must be.

i'm catching myself doing the comparing thing with them, but stopping short of feeling bad.

I think lowly about myself because I know the sins I've done. to an outside person who knows nothing, I may as well look as put together as any other godly person.

and that gives me comfort.

it's stupid that I can be comforted by comparisons to people who look like they don't have it all together. for my heart to say, at least I'm not like that.

I love retreats

I can't eat as much because they have a limited supply of food so I always come back a little bit skinnier.

I'm not happy

but didn't I ask for this?

Everything keeps falling.

Two nights ago, I slept for an hour because I had a crazy Sunday where I didn't go to church and spent nearly the entire day in bed, with the heater on, watching Yakitate!! Japan, thinking about bread to eat (because it's an anime about bread) and how my sister is doing even though she and I never talk but I'd remember hearing her blasting and laughing at this anime in her room back in NJ.

Woke up, spilled tea on my tatami floor. I KNEW I shouldn't have put my cup there but I was like, "yeah I believe in my powers of grace and coordination enough that in the morning, I won't just stumble and shake the entire apartment complex with my awakening as if I were Jesus or something."

I was like AHHHH because tatami mats are really expensive to replace and mine were brand new but normal tissues soaked it up pretty thoroughly, and I'm grateful my apartment's air was cold and dry enough to help it all evaporate away without signs of damage.

Still frustrated, I decided to read (read: listen to the audio recording while I multitask in my rushhour morning) the Bible and it instantly calmed me. And told truths to me. And reminded me that there was more to this world, if that makes sense. It was like I was listening with a new pair of ears.

Other things that I dropped that day:
- phone off my bed and onto my closed laptop; really didn't like the sound of metal dropping on metal.
- slipped on ice, probably lightly sprained my ankle
- I was taking groceries to the car at the time and I came back with one less head of lettuce than I bought...
- broke an egg and the yolk fell on the floor!
- reached for keys on my floor and it fell on the ground
- reading the back of a book and placing it back on the stand only to knock everything else down.

My life is really boring but I can't believe all this happened to me in one day. I'm not gonna think too much about it.

usually good but recently not

you are annoying. why the hell do you even still have friends. why do you reblog those things. damn. what do you know about treating women right. how dare you. how the hell do you still get people to respect you and even care about your worthless life?

props to you for still reading

"but the more I hide, the worse I feel."

when girls have to turn into fcking psychos 12 times a year!