"Do you know your God?"

she cried: do you know your God? how can your heart break for what breaks His when you don't even know who He is? You call yourself His child? why are you so incapable of loving him and her and them as if you had never even heard of a man and a God dying on a cross for you out of sheer love?

Lord, forgive me for I know exactly what I do.

I feel like the biggest dorkiest Bible-thumping nerd for saying this
but in moments like these,
I just need to read the Bible.
like, a lot of it.
and not stop.
because I don't know anything anymore.
but I'm ready to throw away what I've learned from this world,
and learned about myself,
to know only Jesus's death and resurrection
for an insignificant imperfect disobedient mistake like me
because that's what He did.

He died
and came back to life.
a god died and came back to life.
but not just a god,
but the LORD died
and came back to life
not just to show off and prove that He can
but to tell me He loves me

and what do I do?
I handle His love and His gift like some trinket I keep in my pocket (and check to make sure it's still there to prove to others that I still have it)
when His love and His gift are the only things capable of bringing life to these dry bones and I want my body to dance and speak and breathe for Him.

I'm so unworthy that I can't even say "thank You." The least I can do is to praise Him in the storm. Lord, I lift up Your name in my life and all I have is Yours. You have found me in the dark. You sought me like a good shepherd. You deliver, always. Your ways are not my ways because they are higher than mine. You are my victory and You are here. Alleuia!