I probably just need to cut my hair.

Today was weird because I know today was a good day even though my heart feels like today sucked.

I can even cognitively recall some of the times ('cause I obviously can't recall all the times) I've really screwed up and let my inadequacies/fleshly-sinful nature get in the way of showing God's love. Of feeling God's love being prioritized in my life. So yes - even my head acknowledges that today sucked.

To be honest, things like wondering if my harmonizing was creative enough and thinking about the children's lack of response during my "sermon" and the stupid technical difficulties I had and that-12/8-song-that-wasn't-supposed-to-be-difficult-but-no-one-ended-up-understanding-because-of-stupid-technical-difficulties and the way I wasn't nice to people because I was so preoccupied with vying after a perfection I thought would've been easier to attain should all make this a horrible day because I failed absolutely miserably, even if people could recognize that I tried my "best." Ugh, was that really my best?

And this is probably just residual emotion from getting mad at myself yesterday after getting so darn worked up about seeing a stupid face with other faces accompanying it.

But the beautiful thing about this is that today was a good day because God doesn't care about any of this crap at all. He doesn't let one petty preoccupation stop the Holy Spirit from continuing to bless me and refine me with His fire. As I later explained to someone else, I felt forced-peace and it was awesome. Imagine this: me and God sitting at a table with cards laid out and facing upwards. Each card has a little drawing/reminder of my sin from today (and maybe from the past, too) and I'd be pointing to one and saying "well, I suck because if you look right here-" and before I can finish my sentence, He takes that card and lights it on fire and says "look where?" I'll pull out another copy of that card from my pocket and start saying "now if you'll just let me finish-" and suddenly my fingers are empty - the card is gone! The devil's my card-supplier and my pocket o'cards will never be empty, but trying to use it as any sort of rationale against God isn't gonna be successful. Ever.

So frankly speaking, today sucked! But He just really wants to make it a good day! Not being an orphan/slave caught up with the reasons and reckonings of the world and what "peace" should be is really just simply grand.