I need to recognize that as an individual taking ownership of this life at this point in time, it's important for me to identify that there are people who presently do not hate me. In fact, they rather like me.
My head and my heart both know this to be true and that it is a blessing and my state is in a better place than most.
I think I only ask the question above not to become the recipient of animosity or indifference but to see how far I can push these pleasantries. Some part of me still feels like my whole form isn't welcomed or accepted or liked. You are nice to a nice person, unless charity/grace is your business. It's my social responsibility to reciprocate and return the said niceties you give me based off of what you like about me and not the parts you dislike.
There needs to be a reason why I had this dream though. In it, I get to spend the whole day with you but you barely wanted to hold my hand. Kept eye contact minimal. You said you later had to do things with friends and you "also gotta do this one important thing." Minimal physical dissatisfaction coupled with a corresponding emotional dissatisfaction.
I'm probably irritated because there's still a semblance of you retaining a tight privacy around your life that I can't access that should not be existing considering. This is the clingy side of me speaking. I'm asking for more than I should be, right? I feel like there's no way for me to break that down unless I walk away from this. Do you still expect me to apologize? Will I be blamed again? Have I not been blamed enough? Do you think that a life desiring to be near you is all there is to me? Should I show you which wolf I'm feeding?
It is all just a dream though. Don't ask about this 'cause honestly, I don't think I was even talking about myself at the end. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I think I'd rather build a tree house instead. I think I'll watch the maroon and cerulean clouds with no one.
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