No guilt in life, no fear in death.

I thought I was stress-free but maybe I'm just aimless.
I don't know how long this is going to last.
It's not like I'm wondering or listless.
Crying twice a week is kind of a big deal.
But I guess it sort of feels like something's not present in my life anymore. Isn't that the appropriate feeling I should have during the Lent season? Yet, it isn't the missing anime. The anime can stay away; even if it came back I'd feel the same as I do now.

I'm supposed to be satisfied by God alone. By Christ's sacrifice alone. But at the moment, I'm not and the void is beginning to quiver and quake, but mostly ache. And I feel guilty that I'm not who I should be. I'm not complacent, yet, because I know what I believe in and I know what I want. I feel guilty for not living the life I should be, but I'm so utterly grateful to have life at the same time, even though this burden comes with it.

Nothing satisfies. Literally nothing effing satisfies. No one friend, no one sermon, no one chapter in the Bible will be able to simultaneously tell me that I'm still loved and that I have a purpose and that it's okay to feel the way I feel now because it's not the end of anything yet and that it's time to start relishing in my present. I don't want to be told that I haven't been forgotten because that'll just piss me off. But it's not anyone's fault - I don't wander into dollar stores and expect to find Oscar De La Renta.

God, please come back into my life again. Please be my only satisfaction. Please give me the strength to turn my eyes away from that which does not fulfill, whether they be people or the things that they do. Shine again like the promise of the sun that greets me every morning, even if clouds are in the way. You'll find me on my knees in worship of Your great grace and Your wondrous mercy. Give me unwavering faith! Give me a renewed devotion to You! I'm sorry for the times I've strayed yet You welcome me back with open arms and with clothes and a feast!

Holy Holy Holy is my God almighty. How undeserving am I of His love!